


The Lanford Triangle

by amythis



Category: The Conners (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2020-10-28 04:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 32,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20772263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: Season Two as seen by David, Ben, and of course Darlene.





	1. David two months before Season Two, Episode One

**Author's Note:**

> As with _Work in Progress_ and _Soulmates?_, I'll be writing this in close to real time, so it may go places I don't expect. (For instance, if they kill off David, then I'll have to write from the perspective of his ghost.) I will incorporate Season One, and what I can of _Roseanne_, but, as always, I can't be entirely consistent when canon isn't. (Good luck trying to fit any Lanford pregnancy into a believable timeline!) Also, I really hope they give Ben a last name at some point, although they didn't even bother with Fred's, so I'm not too optimistic.

I think Darlene and I are going to get back together, for good this time. She's not moving to Chicago with her new boyfriend, Ben, although she'll still work for him when he relocates his magazine. Yeah, she's dating her boss, which sounds like a recipe for disaster. Not to mention that he's actually bossy, when she's used to being the one in charge.

At least that's what Blue told me. Yeah, Blue, sigh. I know now it was a mistake to be with her, or at least for so long, but I also think it was an experience I had to go through. Not only did she encourage me to be a better person, a better father, but she helped me see what I was and wasn't looking for in a partner.

I did honestly try to make it work with Blue, but like I told Darlene a few days ago, I didn't feel the way I did with Darlene. And it all got so serious so quickly. I was in over my head and I had to end it before I got in deeper.

I didn't know if Darlene would take me back, but I had to lay my heart at her feet and hope she wouldn't stomp on it. I told her I loved her, but I also reminded her that she said she would love me forever.

We didn't really get to hash it out that night because her Aunt Jackie had a breakdown in a restaurant. In fact, it was the building where the Lanford Lunch Box used to be, so a lot of memories there, including of Roseanne.

God, I still miss Roseanne almost a year later. I hadn't seen her much in recent years, until I moved back to town, but we'd stayed in touch. In fact, I'd confided in her about how hard the fights with Darlene were on me. So she was urging us, as only she could, to get a divorce. I don't blame her. It made sense at the time. Still, we kept putting it off, until Darlene was dating, not Ben, but what would turn out to be her transitional guy.

Anyway, there was the drama with Jackie. And then the next day there was Becky drama. I don't know the details but Becky got pregnant by a guy who recently was deported. She's gone through a rough time since my brother Mark died and one of the things I feel guilty about is I haven't been there for her. She's still my sister-in-law and in a lot of ways closer to me than my actual sisters. Still, we have drifted apart over the years and that is mostly my fault. A lot of things are my fault, but I'm trying to set them right.

I know that Darlene is dealing with a lot. She's taken on much of her mother's role in the family, and now there's all this new stuff, including my confession. But I want to help her deal with all this, to be more of a partner.

We texted back and forth this week and she finally agreed to talk tonight when she brought over the kids. I'm still in the house I was renting with Blue, near Mark's school, but Blue has moved out. I know I should get a roommate so I can cover rent without dipping too deep into my savings, but I'm hoping that Darlene and the kids will move in. At least they're not all moving to Chicago, so that's a step.

I hugged the kids when they arrived but I was afraid to touch Darlene. I'll wait until she's ready.

The kids got out their phones and their earbuds, then they headed upstairs. At least they were unlikely to eavesdrop, unlike us when we were young.

"I fed them before I brought them over," Darlene said.

"I can cook you know," I said defensively.

"Good, then you won't starve without Blue food."

I wanted to say something sarcastic back, but I realized that wouldn't help. So I invited her to sit down, which she did, in a chair, while at her parents' house we've always sat together on that old couch with the granny-square afghan, even the time she said we really did need to follow through on the divorce. I sat on my couch by myself and asked how everyone was doing.

She caught me up, although nothing big had happened since last weekend, just people hanging in there I guess.

"...But this isn't what you wanted to talk about, is it? I mean, I could've texted you all this. Well, email probably would've been easier on my thumbs."

I knew she was waiting for me to say it so she could argue with me. Instead I said, "You're not moving to Chicago."

"Yeah, but don't flatter yourself it's because of you. Becky, Jackie, and everybody needs me to stay in Lanford. At least for now."

"Well, I'm glad. It'll be better for our family. I mean you, me, and the kids."

She shook her head. "Harris is pissed about it. She said she feels trapped in the Lanford Triangle."

I couldn't help laughing.

She glared at me. "What?"

"You said the same thing when you were her age."

"Did I?" She suddenly looked middle-aged and weary, although my double vision also showed me the girl I fell in love with so long ago.

"Yeah. Harris is a lot like you."

"And Mark is like you. I mean artistic and idealistic."

"Thanks, but I don't know if I can take credit for that. Maybe if I'd been around more."

She shrugged. "It's heredity. Like Harris being a bitchy writer like me and my mom."

I snorted but said, "That wasn't what I meant."

"I know."

"Darlene, I really do want to put our family back together."

"Well, we don't have to live in the same town with you for that."

"Or the same house?"

"David."

"Look, I'll drop this if you can tell me in all honesty that you don't love me anymore."

She looked down at her shoes, which I suddenly noticed were a pair of Doc Martens I hadn't seen since the mid '90s. "It's not about whether I love you. It's about whether we work as a couple. Which we don't."

"And you think you and Ben do?"

She looked up again, her green eyes blazing defiantly. "Ben and I are great together!"

"Look, I understand how it is with someone new, all the excitement and no baggage."

"Please do not compare Ben to your little soulmate."

I flinched. I knew I deserved that, because I had called Blue my soulmate. At the time, I meant it, because I was swept up in the excitement of a new relationship and I'd never met anyone like Blue. But as I now told Darlene, "I was thinking of Jimmy."

"Oh God," she groaned. "You're going there?"

I persisted, because this had to be said. "I took you back then, just like I promised I would. And I'd do it again."

She got to her feet. "Well, thanks. I know where to find you."

"You're going?" I noticed she hadn't taken off her coat.

"In a minute." To my surprise, she leaned over me and asked, "Which ear was it?"

"What?" I asked nervously.

"Which ear did Blue throw the toaster at when you called her flaky?"

"Oh, this one," I said, pointing at the one nearest her, although Blue actually missed it by an inch.

"I think it just grazed you. You're lucky."

"Yeah, I count my blessings." 

She snorted, tweaked my ear, and straightened up. "I'll pick up the kids on Sunday, after dinner."

I nodded and she left without hugging me. But I think we'll get back together. I just have to wait Ben out, like I waited Jimmy out.


	2. Ben one month before Season Two, Episode One

Before I pulled out of Darlene tonight, I asked her to stay over, although I knew she'd say no. Even when I lived in Lanford, she was hesitant to do sleepovers because of her kids. And now that she's got a commute of an hour each way, longer if traffic's bad, it would make sense for her to just stay with me in Chicago, but she's even more stubborn.

"I need to see my kids almost every day. And my dad and everybody need me."

Then I withdrew. We'd gone through this before. I don't know why I keep trying, but I'm stubborn, too.

And I don't mean to sound like a heartless prick. I never met her mother, but I've heard enough to know that Roseanne Conner was the center of the family and they're still devastated by her loss a year later. The crazy aunt and the lunatic sister both have drinking problems and a lack of common sense, so neither of them can step in as matriarch. And Mr. Conner, Dan, as he asked me to call him the night they had me over for dinner, seems as strong as King Kong but, according to Darlene, he's lost without the woman he loved for fifty years. As for the kid brother, who I haven't met yet, no one has ever taken him seriously, or even paid him much attention.

That leaves a tough little woman to hold it all together. I admire her strength and even her stubbornness. I never imagined falling for another alpha, but I like that we can be strong together. But I don't rely on her, lean on her, in the way her family does. And alphas most want to be strong for weaker people. (Sometimes it's about power and ego, but it can be a genuine desire to help and protect.)

It's not like I'm asking her to totally abandon her family. If she and her kids moved in with me, they could visit back and forth. But Darlene thinks they all have to live in the same town.

When we first talked about it, she made it sound like she wasn't ready to move, yet. So I thought fine, I'll give it time. We'd always rushed into things. (We went from admitting our mutual attraction to sex on my desk in about ten minutes, although I've always given her foreplay since then, including our second time on my desk, an hour later.) Maybe we should take our time on moving in together, really think it through and wait until we're ready.

The thing is, two weeks ago, after the movers left, I looked around my Chicago apartment and thought how empty it was without Darlene. I was ready and she wasn't. And she's gotten less ready rather than more, as time has gone by.

I think the main thing is her sister's situation. Becky apparently has made a lot of bad decisions, starting with dropping out of high school to marry a mechanic named Mark. (Darlene's son, who's a great kid by the way, is named after him, because Mark Healy was the brother of Darlene's ex, David.) It sounds like Becky really fell apart after her husband died, and still isn't over it years later. Well, maybe you never get over a loss like that, but if you're strong, you move on with your life.

And then when their mom died, Becky got even worse. She drunkenly had unprotected sex with her boss at the Mexican restaurant. I know, I sound like a hypocrite, but Darlene and I were sober, and it wasn't just sex. This was just a one-night stand, and that same week Becky had another unprotected one-night stand, with a busboy. She got pregnant and at first didn't know who the father was, although it turned out the boss had a vasectomy. The busboy, Emilio, is a nice, hard-working guy, from what Darlene has told me, but he was here illegally and he got deported, the day after the crazy aunt had a breakdown in another restaurant. (Food is a big part of that family's lives. My first serious fight with Darlene was about her salting my paella, although we worked through that and I now wish she was here to cook with me. And, yes, I know that sounds like _Three's Company_ innuendo.)

Becky is older than Darlene, I think 44, so her being pregnant at all is risky, and even though she quit drinking since she found out, Darlene worries about her. Darlene has pledged to help however she can, which obviously is easier in Lanford than from Chicago. But for how long? Until the end of the pregnancy, in about three months? Until the baby is a toddler? Until kindergarten? College? I feel like a selfish prick to even ask, but I love Darlene enough that I want her to live her life for herself, and OK, for me, for a change. At least a little.

Mostly I'm biding my time, trying to be patient and undemanding. And I try to be grateful for what I've got with her. Hell, she didn't have to come to Chicago to work on the magazine, since my other staff, the new hires, are mostly telecommuting and I haven't seen them outside of Skype since the interviews. She wants to see me every day at the office, the new office, the one where we haven't (yet?) had sex on my desk. We're a good team, professionally as well as personally, and I like knowing we can look at proof sheets together and brainstorm and all that.

The hard part is seeing her outside the office. I've offered to drive down on weekends, but she wants to spend those with her kids, except when they're at David's, and then she wants to hang out with Becky and the rest of the family. So I just get a couple evenings a week with her, with a rushed dinner (usually takeout) and then rushed but not foreplay-less sex.

Don't get me wrong, it's still hot. It's just, well, I actually like cuddling and all the little intimate non-sex moments, like stroking her hair when she stirs something at the stove, or having her nuzzle my back as I get something out of the fridge. (OK, I'm a foodie, too.) I want to really be a couple with her, but it's tougher now.

As for the sex, OK, I freely admit that there are times that I am trying to use it to persuade her to move in with me. Yes, I want to please her, but I keep hoping that "this will be the orgasm that makes her change her mind. If the Earth moves enough, she'll move to Chicago."

She's on to me of course, like tonight when I was going down on her and she said, "If you want to use your tongue that way instead of for persuasive words, give it your best shot." Hey, it's more fun than arguing. And I love the taste of her, sweet and tangy. I of course love to fuck her cunt when it's all cummy, trying to stack her orgasms on top of each other like a Jenga of pleasure.

We still use condoms, although we've both tested free of AIDS and other "social diseases," as my grampa used to call them. She's on the Pill but we want to be on the safe side. Her older sister was supposed to be infertile, and look what happened. If I'd met Darlene ten or twenty years ago, then yeah, I'd like to have had a kid or two with her. But right now I just hope to be a good stepdad someday, having passed the audition when I gave Mark piano lessons weeks ago. Harris would be more of a challenge, since she's seventeen and mouthy and rebellious like Darlene apparently was at her age. Well, still is sometimes. I hoped by now to be adjusting to living with the three of them, but instead I'm living alone in a two-bedroom apartment, missing Darlene every night, maybe more when she rushes out of here after sex, with just a quick shower she won't let me share, and a goodbye kiss that never lasts long enough.

I know, I need to focus on the magazine more. This is a big opportunity, taking _Lock 'Em Up_ from a local, Lanford focus to statewide. Sometimes I daydream about it going national, because, let's face it, schadenfreude has universal appeal. But I also don't want to lose control of my magazine or my life. So maybe it's just as well not everything is changing at once.


	3. Darlene less than an hour before Season Two, Episode One

I'm over at David's, sitting next to him on his couch. We've just finished washing the dishes together (he thinks it's better for the environment than a dishwasher), after we ate the dinner he insisted on cooking for me. His new roommate, his brother's old friend Royal, the one who looks a little like Ahmet Zappa (I made the kids Google that), is out on a date. The kids are at home with my dad, since it's a weeknight. I'm supposed to be on the Dan Ryan Expressway, swearing at traffic.

I left work right at five, although it's not exactly a punch-the-clock kind of workplace. When I first got hired, I said I couldn't work past six since I have kids, but there were late nights sometimes, at first filled with sexual tension and then the comfortable but still exciting flirtation of a real couple. Now sometimes I leave work at fivish, but Ben and I grab takeout, race back to his place as well as we can in separate cars during rush hour, and have sex that's also rushed, but a lot hotter and hungrier than even our first time, on his old desk in the Lanford office. Then I leap out of his bed, when my body is telling me to stay as close as I can get to his body, and shower so fast that the water doesn't have time to get warm. Then I don't even towel off. I throw my underwear and my work clothes back on my wet but clean body.

Meanwhile, Ben, who wants to give me afterplay and then spoon me until we fall asleep, and maybe have a pre-breakfast quickie, sighs wearily, slowly gets out of bed, and finds his briefs so he can walk me to the door and give me a goodnight kiss after I put on my shoes that he still won't let me wear in his apartment.

That was supposed to be my apartment, too. If David hadn't told me he broke up with Blue because he realized he still loves me, if he hadn't seen that I still have feelings for him, I'd have moved in with Ben last month. I mean, I guess it's just as well, since my family, especially Becky, needs me. If poor Emilio hadn't been deported, I think he would've been really good for her. Jackie and Dad both said he's a great guy, hard-working and sincere. Becky told me he's the most considerate man she's ever been with. But now he's gone and no one knows when, how, or if he's coming back. Becky's baby is due in another couple months, and I at least want to see her through the "fourth trimester," those rough first three months as a new mom. 

I hope by then that I'll have sorted out my feelings for both Ben and David. The problem is I love both of them, can see myself spending the rest of my life happily with either of them. I know, compared to Becky, I'm really lucky, but I feel stressed and guilty. I haven't even kissed David in over a year but I'm emotionally cheating on Ben. I probably should've told him right away about David's confession. Instead, I claimed I can't move to Chicago yet because I'm worried about my dad. (I didn't know about Emilio's deportation during that conversation, although it's a better and truer excuse.) And I haven't told Ben that sometimes when I'm rushing back to Lanford, it's to go over to David's and talk. No, I don't do that on the nights I have sex with Ben. I haven't sunk that low yet. Also, I don't think I could sit on David's couch, hoping I don't smell of Ben. (I haven't been to bed with Ben since Friday, and this is Tuesday, so I'm not worried, although still guilty.)

Not to mention that I hardly see the kids except if it's my weekend with them, because I get home later and later every worknight, because I'm with either Ben or David. I blame it on "the stupid-ass Dan Ryan," but I don't know how much longer my dad is going to buy that, so I also feel guilty towards him. And I don't even know that I'm there for Becky, except on the weekends that David has the kids. At least Jackie is in better shape now, channeling her need for meaning in her life into helping Becky bring a new Conner into the world.

"Wouldn't it be nice if you moved in with me?"

I try not to wince at David saying the exact same thing Ben said during foreplay on Friday. David isn't even touching me but we are sitting really close. And it would be nice, to move in with either of them. Unfortunately, I can't do both. "What about Roy?"

"He'd understand."

"Well, I don't think my dad would." I doubt my dad knows about David's confession, although he did come into the room right after it, to tell me about Jackie being drunk and disorderly at the former Lunch Box, but there's no question he'd be Team Ben if you asked him. Even before Ben entered the picture, Dad had reservations about David because of the whole-abandoning-his-kids thing.

"I'm a better father now. And I will be a better husband."

"Whoa, let's not rush into marriage again! How about we just go steady first?"

David chuckles and then leans over and kisses me. I know I should push him away and say that that was just a joke, but instead I kiss back. His lips are soft, warm, and familiar. It's like coming home.

"I'm sorry," he says afterwards, like he expects me to snap, "What the hell are you doing?"

Instead, I murmur, "Make it up to me," and lick his lips.

Soon we're French kissing, and I remember one hundred makeouts on different couches, especially the one back home with the granny-square afghan, made by my granny as a matter of fact. There's little risk of being walked in on, except by Royal, who likely wouldn't care. But I know, even as I suck David's tongue in the way I know he likes— Ben prefers a different rhythm and intensity— that I still feel like we're going to be caught. If nothing else, I'm going to have to confess to Ben. That I can't help thinking of Ben while I'm kissing David, just like I thought of David during sex with Ben on Friday, tells me that I can't keep on like this. Yet I keep kissing David for awhile longer, because it feels so good, so right and yet so wrong.

When we stop, I say, "I have to go home."

He nods, dazed, like he can't believe this either, although at least he isn't cheating on anyone. I don't think he knows I'm cheating. At art school, with Jimmy, I told David I'd met someone, and he seemed cool about me dating both of them, until Mom made him make me choose. So he probably figures I'm not seeing Ben anymore, other than professionally, because I haven't talked about my feelings for Ben with David lately.

Then David asks, "Are you going to tell the kids?"

"That I made out with their dad?"

"No, I mean that we're back together."

"David, that was great but you and I still have some things to work out."

"When can we talk again?"

I'm tempted to say that we weren't talking just now, but I say, "Tomorrow after work?" Ben and I had made plans to go to an actual sit-down restaurant, but I'll have to cancel. It'll be hard enough facing him at work after what I've done. I need to talk to David about this before I talk to Ben.

I know, we'll probably just end up making out again. And I know I can't go any further with David while I'm still involved with Ben. But I don't know how I can back away from either of them.


	4. David during Season Two, Episode One

I'm waiting in line at the World of Pizza. I used to work here and in fact was a management trainee until Mrs. Conner insisted I go to Europe like I'd planned. Darlene hadn't wanted me to go because we'd just gotten back together after breaking up because of Jimmy. I thought at the time it would be my one chance to travel. I didn't know then that I would someday go to Third World countries and build homes.

I don't regret doing that. I helped a lot of people. But I do regret abandoning my family for so long. I convinced myself that they were better off without me. Then Blue made me believe my kids needed me. I will always be grateful to her for that.

When she moved out two months ago, ironically taking the toaster she'd thrown at me, she said, "You're going back to her, aren't you?"

I could've played dumb, but I didn't see the point in lying. I quietly said, "If she'll have me."

Blue shook her head and said something I didn't understand about reincarnation and living the same life over and over until you get it right.

And now here I am back at my old pizzeria, which is still run by mopy, zit-faced teens, but now I'm the picky old guy on the other side of the counter.

"No, the Veggie Number Three but with kale." Mark is on a kale kick lately.

This pizza isn't for when the kids come over. I don't know when that will be. Everything has turned upside down in the last couple days.

It started with me kissing Darlene on Tuesday. I'd wanted to for weeks, as we sat talking about us and what went wrong, and what went right. We also talked about what our future could look like, although she was more hesitant there, I think because Becky lost my brother Mark, and their dad lost Roseanne. For me, again maybe it's the lingering influence of Blue, but I can believe that the future can grow out of the past but be better.

And I like that Darlene and I have a history together. It's not just that we were, as Bev called us yesterday, high school sweethearts. I like that we've been through so much together, good and bad. And I want to go through whatever else life throws at us, together.

I realize I could just try to be the best co-parent I can, as I was trying when Blue was by my side. In fact, at first she was a more active co-parent than I was, which understandably bothered Darlene, although at the time I thought Blue was going to be in my life for awhile and I'd let her play as an active role as she wanted. So when she wanted to go with me to meet with Mark's teacher and even when she gave sex advice to Harris, I didn't really interfere.

It honestly didn't raise any red flags with me until she wanted to take over Becky's baby shower. I already knew from Harris, who didn't want to go but admitted she had to, that Jackie was throwing the shower and would not want Blue changing anything. But Becky said OK, because it meant more gifts. (Everyone, including Darlene, talks about how much Darlene is like Roseanne, and obviously I've seen that all along, but there are ways that Becky takes after her, too, like caring about her appearance and being social, and yes, trying to get what she can, like the time Roseanne kept taking stoves that were delivered to the Lunch Box by mistake.) So I didn't stop her, but I did feel like _Wait a minute, yes, Becky is my kids' aunt, but she's my in-law, not Blue's._ For awhile, Blue was even having serious conversations with Darlene more often than I was, partly because things were so awkward between me and Darlene, and partly because Blue just doesn't have boundaries.

Anyway, I could just try to be a partner with Darlene in raising the kids, but I want to share everything with her. And I've never stopped being physically attracted to her. Looking back on it, over a year later, when I knocked on her bedroom window so I could tell her about Blue, I don't think I was just trying to avoid Mr. Conner. I think I wanted what happened to happen. I wanted to activate her jealousy and possessiveness. I may not have wanted this consciously, but I definitely wanted it. So when she kissed me, I was confused but turned on. It felt right that I slept with her that night, in both senses, making love with her and sleeping next to her. Yes, I was cheating on Blue, but I planned to break up with her the next day.

Instead, the next day Darlene told me she couldn't keep doing our back and forth, on and off, because of the kids. So I invited Blue to move into the house I'd started renting and I did my best to give up on Darlene.

But I guess I'm motivated by jealousy and possessiveness, too. I was happy for her when she was with Neil, the transitional guy, because he didn't sound like a threat. But when she started seeing Ben, everything Blue and everybody told me made it sound like it was getting serious fast. And, yeah, meanwhile Blue was getting even more serious.

I knew I couldn't just kiss Darlene and fall into bed with her. I waited two months after I told her I still loved her, before I kissed her, and even then I was worried how she'd react.

She kissed back and then French kissed me, but after we made out awhile, she said she had to go home. She promised we could talk the next night, Wednesday, yesterday, but when she texted me a couple hours after our makeout, it was to say that Becky's water had broken, two months early! I was worried about Becky, and I didn't want to selfishly try to follow up on what'd happened between me and Darlene.

We exchanged a few messages that night before I fell asleep, and I sent her another text the next morning, just checking in. She called me back, even though it turned out she was at work, despite being at the hospital most of the night. I knew that the doctor had given Becky medication to stop the contractions, but that wouldn't work forever. Darlene hadn't said it yet, but I knew she was thinking of Harris being premature, because I was certainly thinking of it.

"What's up?"

"I was thinking of visiting Becky after work today, if it's OK."

"Yeah, yeah. That would be really sweet. I— I'll come by and pick you up, and we can both go to the hospital together."

"I love you," I said, this time (unlike the night I broke up with Blue) not meaning at all to pressure her. I just wanted her to know that I will always care about and from now on try to be there for her and her family, no matter what happens.

"OK. Love you, too."

I was so startled, I accidentally hung up on her, my thumb landing on the red circle. I thought about calling her back, but I reminded myself she was at work. I was on my morning break, since my workday at Trader Joe's starts before we open and, unlike Darlene, I don't have a long commute. It wasn't a good time to talk, and I would see her later.

Also, I assumed Ben was out of the room, since she admitted she loves me, but it has to be awkward for them now. They must still be friends and professionals, since she's still working for him. And I guess he's a good sport about it, understanding that what Darlene and I have goes longer and deeper than anything they could've had. I'm not going to be a bad winner and rub his nose in it. She and I haven't talked about their breakup but I know it must've happened, because she wouldn't have kissed me if she were still seeing him. And she definitely wouldn't have told me she loves me if she knew he might overhear and get mad.

She did pick me up when she got back from Chicago that night but she refused my offer to make her dinner.

"We should just go. I haven't seen Becky all day and I'm worried about her."

"Yeah, of course."

I followed her out to her car but we didn't talk. There was too much to say and I knew it still wasn't the time to talk about us.

When we got to the hospital, none of her family were in the waiting room, except Bev, who was making what looked like a granny-square baby blanket. "Oh, isn't this nice? Despite your bitter divorce, you're still there for each other like when you were high school sweethearts."

"It wasn't that bitter," I mumbled, but Darlene said, "Where is everyone?" 

"Harris, Mark, and Mary are doing their homework at D.J.'s while he looks after them. Dan has gone for a walk and Jackie is with Becky."

I was relieved that I wouldn't have to face Mr. Conner just yet, and I figured that nothing new had happened with Becky if everyone had scattered like that.

Then Jackie came in and said, "David, how nice to see you!" in an overly enthusiastic way that made me wonder if Darlene had told her about the makeout and what Jackie thought about it.

"How's Becky?" Darlene asked.

"She's asleep."

"Can we see her?" I asked.

Jackie nodded. "Yeah, but don't stay too long."

Darlene strode determinedly towards Becky's room and I followed in her wake, out of habit. When I went in, Becky was sleeping, but restlessly.

"I hate this," Darlene muttered.

"I know," I whispered, and I took her hand.

She squeezed my hand. "Thank you for being here."

"Of course."

"Does the offer of a home-cooked meal still stand?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

So we let go of each other's hand and returned to the waiting room. She told Jackie and Bev that she was going to drive me home but she'd be back later. Her dad wasn't back from his walk yet, and I was glad I'd missed him, although I know I can't avoid him forever. I just want her to tell him about us before I have to face him, so I won't feel like I'm keeping secrets. I don't mind about Jackie knowing of course.

Roy wasn't home, since I'd asked him, after the makeout but before Becky's contractions, if I could have the place to myself again Wednesday evening. He knows about me trying to get back together with Darlene and he's supportive. He still feels bad that he accidentally blurted out to Roseanne about me secretly living with Darlene in Chicago, although that turned out to be for the best because we weren't really ready for that set-up back then, especially since I didn't have a job and I'd dropped out of high school.

I made dinner for Darlene, thinking about how tired and worn out she's been looking lately, even before Tuesday night. Whenever I bring it up, she blames it on her commute on the "stupid-ass Dan Ryan," but I think it's just everything really getting to her. And I thought about how I used to spoil her, especially when she was pregnant with Harris. Everyone relies on her since her mom died, but who, with the exception of her dad, takes care of her? I can't be as strong as she can, but I can at least cook and be nice to her, like when we were young.

She thanked me for the food when I set it on the table, but she just picked at it at first.

"Darlene," I gently nagged, "you've got to keep your strength up. You were at the hospital all last night and probably will be again tonight, while working full time and doing that damn commute."

She looked down at her plate as she twirled her pasta on her fork. "Uh, Ben's giving me a week off because of Becky."

"Yeah? He seems like a good guy." I have nothing against Ben, and he is her boss. It's not like Blue pissing Darlene off by interfering in the family.

"He is," she said and started eating quickly, so I dropped both subjects.

Afterwards, we just let the dishes soak in the sink, unlike the night before, when she insisted on being a good guest and helping me, although it made me think of playing house together as newlyweds. We went over to the couch and sat close but didn't touch. I knew we needed to talk, but I still wasn't sure about the timing.

Then I asked, "Uh, would you like a shoulder massage?"

I half expected her to snap, "You've picked a hell of a time to try to seduce me," but she just nodded and half turned away from me.

I went lightly at first, but even my light touches got to her, judging from her little gasps and sighs. Darlene is just naturally tense, but if you can unwind her from being tightly wound, it's, well, stunning. I worked my fingers through the knots gently and patiently, knowing from experience that telling her to relax would only make her tense up more. I was also trying to apply everything that Blue had taught me about massage therapy.

After awhile Darlene undid the second top button (the very top being undone as always) on her red-and-blue plaid shirt, so that it fell open enough that I could touch the skin of her shoulders. I eased one bra strap down and dug in more, using both hands on that shoulder, until she moaned.

"That feel good?" I asked in her ear.

She suddenly jerked away and said, "What are we doing?"

"I just want you to feel better, Sweetheart." Even as I said it, I knew it sounded like a line, but I meant it.

Then she burst into tears! I really felt like an insensitive dickhead, but how could I comfort her without seeming even sleazier?

Another thing I know from experience, not just with her but with everyone else in my life, from my mother to Blue, it's always best to apologize. "God, I'm sorry! I know, we shouldn't be doing this when Becky's going through all that."

"You called me Sweetheart," she sniffled, and I thought she was going to say that even though she said she loved me on the phone that day, we were moving too fast, physically and emotionally. But then she continued, "When Harris was premature and I was blaming myself, you were so good and sweet and brave!"

"Baby, I was scared to death, but your dad told me to be strong for you."

She laughed and said, "Well, it worked, and that scrawny little preemie grew into the mighty Amazon we know and love." Then the face that most people think is deadpan crumpled into sorrow again. "It's not fair! It's so fucking unfair that Becky lost Mark and now Emilio and she's alone, when I have you and— and now she might lose the baby she's waited twenty-five years for."

"I know," I said, starting to cry myself.

And then we held each other and cried on each other's shoulder, until she pulled away and said, "I need to pick up the kids from D.J.'s, take them home, and then head back to the hospital."

"Let me know if I can do anything to help."

"Thank you." Then she straightened her clothes and left.

She texted me three times that night. The first was **Becky's in labor!** Then **It's a girl!** And finally **Did you give Harris pot?**

Obviously I replied to all of those and even tried calling her after the last one, but she didn't respond. I didn't want to push it, because clearly she was distracted and more stressed out than ever. I kept my distance from her and the family today. But my pizza is ready and I'm going to take it over to her house, no matter who's home.


	5. Darlene during Season Two, Episode One

In the approximately forty-eight hours since I made out with David, my sister has become a mother, and I've had both my father and my daughter tell me that I'm a bad parent. Oh, and I've lied to two good men who love me, but that's not entirely new.

When I told Jackie that I made out with David, she said I'm going to end up having sex with both men. I told her I'm not that kind of person. I feel guilty enough that I kissed Ben a few times at work yesterday. (Yeah, thank God the new hires work remotely.) I did think about bailing on work, despite how much I missed and needed to see Ben. He definitely would've understood, and in fact at the end of the day he suggested I take a week off. He's really worried about me, not just because of the Becky situation, but even before that I guess, because he can see how worn out and stressed I am.

"Yeah, I know I look like shit," I said yesterday.

"You're always beautiful," he said matter-of-factly. "But try to get some rest this next week. Don't spend every waking moment at the hospital."

"I'll try," I promised, although at that point I didn't know how long the medication could stop Becky's contractions. And of course I was having flashbacks to when Harris was early.

I made it through that workday, insisting on taking home some work in case I felt up to it later. (I'd looked at the proofs in the waiting room the night before, although Ben always denies he makes typos.)

But when I left work, I headed for David's. I'd snuck a phone call in to him, after sending Ben to get me coffee, since David had texted me. He wanted to visit Becky in the hospital, so I suggested we go together. Ben came back to get his wallet and overheard me saying, "Love you, too." David had just hung up on me, so I don't know if he actually he heard, but I added, "Daddy," so Ben wouldn't get suspicious.

He still wants me to move in with him, but that would be harder than ever now, because of Becky, and because of David. It's still possible I guess, if my new niece is OK and if I figure out that Ben is the right man for me.

Yeah, Becky had a girl. Her water broke Tuesday, after I got home from making out with David, and then she went into labor last night after I got back from almost making out with David again. David and I had gone to see her that evening, but she was asleep so we didn't stay long.

We went back to his place so he could make me dinner again. Afterwards, he offered me a shoulder massage. He was being so sweet, and I didn't deserve it, especially after Ben had been so sweet at work. But I wanted their sweetness, and I was so stressed, so I took the massage and even undid a shirt button so that David could touch my skin directly. I wanted to just shut off my brain and live in my body, but that's never been easy for me.

And I tried to stop it when I couldn't help moaning, but then I ended up literally crying on his shoulder, while he cried on mine, because I remembered how good he was to me when Harris was premature. And I feel guilty that Becky is going through this without a partner, while I've got two men who are there for me in this crisis, and it's not even my crisis.

And meanwhile I haven't seen much of my kids since school started. When I left David's last night, I planned to pick them up from D.J.'s, because that's where Jackie had said they were. But when I got there, no one was home. I wanted to text D.J., but my phone had gone dead and I realized I'd left one of my chargers at work and the other at home.

So I went home, where a pissed-off woman said that Harris Healy's mother owes her $200. I of course denied being Harris's mother and, channeling Blue, I wished her a blessed day.

When I went inside, Dad told me that Harris, one, was at the hospital, and two, had sold a classmate pot cookies. Before I could even process that, Dad got a text from Jackie saying that Becky had gone into labor. So we went off to the hospital, and I didn't have time to get my charger.

It turned out that when I went to D.J.'s, he was dropping Mary off at her best friend's house, then Mark off at home, before heading to the hospital with Harris. My dad and Jackie had spent most of the day at the hospital, except for when he took a walk, and it sounded like Jackie hadn't mentioned me and David stopping by. I let my dad think that I'd been with Ben after work and then hit bad traffic.

We got there in time for me to join Jackie in helping Becky in the delivery room. Becky was OK physically before, during, and after the birth, but the baby needed a lot of medical attention. Still does of course. 

At one point, I tried to reassure Becky by pointing out that Harris was premature but she turned out fine. Becky sobbed, "No, she didn't!" She wasn't trying to be funny, but she sort of was.

Has Harris turned out OK? I don't know. She's gotten in trouble before, acting out against my "dragging her to Lanford." And I know she resents me for getting her hopes up about moving to Chicago with Ben. But this? She's a dealer! And dad told me that Harris's classmate had to be hospitalized, because he was freaking out.

The worst part is that Harris doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She's actually proud of her business!

I was a rebel, too, but I wasn't just acting out to be a pain in the ass. (Well, most of the time. I still can't explain the barking in sixth grade.) So how do I punish someone who doesn't take seriously that she could've gone to jail? When I grounded her, she just scoffed and said I'm never home.

And then tonight, when I confronted my dad about not noticing Harris setting up a ganja bakery in his kitchen, he threw it back on me, for getting home late all the time. I'd actually spent most of today at the hospital, but I felt guilty as he assumed I'd been with Ben, because sometimes I have been, but more and more lately I've been with David. I tried to go on the offensive, by criticizing my dad's parenting, but he replied with sarcasm, like I had with Harris.

I went back to the hospital, while my dad stayed home with Mark. Becky wanted to see the baby but she needed emotional support. D.J. was there, too, and Jackie of course. The baby, my new niece, is so tiny and helpless, but I think she can pull through, like all Conners. Becky feels incredibly guilty about the baby being early, because she's older and because of her history of drinking, but I remember how guilty I felt about Harris, even though I tried to do everything right then, and David of course was spoiling me and making sure I took care of myself. There's not much I can say or do to help Becky, except be there for her as much as I can, despite the distractions of my love life.

I ended up not staying that long, although I did hear her name the baby Beverly Rose. Since I named my daughter after Mom's maiden name, and D.J. named his daughter after our beloved Nana Mary, I of course understand the importance of legacy names, although Jackie wasn't thrilled that the first name is that of the "vessel of evil" that she thinks ruined her life. To be honest, I wasn't thrilled when David first suggested naming our baby boy after the man I used to call "Old Stupid," but then it grew on me and it made Becky cry, so I went with it. And now I can't imagine my son being called anything else. (Well, unless he someday decides to transition and then I'll call him whatever he wants, but he does seem happy as a gender-non-conforming boy.)

When I got home, Dad was finishing off the apple pie I'd brought home. Neither of us mentioned our fight of an hour earlier. He just said, "Since you're back, I'm going to the hospital. The kids are both asleep upstairs."

I thanked him and he nodded and left. So now I'm sitting here at the kitchen table, trying to decide whether to haul my tired ass upstairs or first have some of Mark's leftover kale salad.

"Hey."

I look up at the sound of David's soft voice that, in middle age, always sounds like he's getting over a bad cold. "Hey."

"It's not too late, is it?"

I know he means the hour, which is pushing midnight, but I think he also is asking if it's too late for us. "Apparently not for World of Pizza. Remember when you were the poor slob working the night shift?"

He nods but says, "That was a long time ago."

"Yeah. I assume that's Veggie Number Three."

"With kale."

I chuckle and say, "I love you."

He grins and sets down the box. "I should've brought you pizza months ago."

"Well, you know this family and food." Then I frown. "Harris is selling pot cookies."

"What???"

"Sit down."

He pulls up a chair and says, "I got your text but I thought you just meant she was smoking it."

My phone came back to life enough last night that I was able to send him three texts, but I wasn't able to charge it until I got home really late and caught a short nap. When I woke up, there were a lot of replies from David, as well as concerned texts from Ben. I just couldn't deal with either of them then, especially when I planned to spend all day at the hospital with Becky, so I shut my phone off and haven't turned it on all day.

"Nope, she's been baking them in this very kitchen and selling them at school."

"God! And, no, she didn't get the pot from me."

"Yeah, I saw your texts, and I'm sorry I accused you, but you did say you were a little high when you, um, the night you broke up with Blue."

"I've been clean since Blue moved out, and I never did it around the kids, I swear."

"David, it's OK. I'm the bad parent here. It's my kitchen and this was happening on days that she was with me. Well, in this house, as I clearly wasn't home."

"Sweetheart, this is all overwhelming you. Let me help."

"Great, you go upstairs and lock Harris in her room, but you'll have to let Mark out first and figure out how you're going to keep her from escaping through the bathroom. Not to mention that with today's technology, she can probably just order a drone to make deliveries."

He shakes his head and puts the pizza in the fridge. "You don't want this right now, do you?"

I get to my feet and hug him. "I want you to come upstairs and hold me."

"Darlene, are we, I mean, I don't want to make assumptions, but are you—?"

"Let's take it slow," I say, trying to bide for time, despite feeling like I'm on slippery ground. I've set a boundary but I think I'm about to cross it.

"Yeah, sure. Uh, your dad isn't home, is he?"

"No, just the kids." Normally, I'd go check on them, especially considering Harris is grounded, but I can't right now because they might wake up and sense that something is about to happen between me and their dad, whether or not David goes into their room with me.

We go up to my room quietly and take off our shoes. Then we get into my bed and lie down, above the covers.

"So, uh," he whispers, "do you want another massage or what?"

"Just, you know, hold me and we'll see what happens." I don't want to overthink this, because if I do, then I'm going to feel even more like I'm betraying Ben.

"Whatever you want." He puts his arms around me and he's so warm and comforting, in a different way than Ben, more like a human slanket.

I snuggle into him, breathing in his familiar scent. He's close to my height, just two inches taller, while Ben is eight inches taller and bulkier. But when you lie down, those differences are less obvious. It's the smell and feel and, OK, taste of someone that stands out.

When we kiss this time, it's soft and slow, melting into each other. And when we undress each other, that, too, is slow and leisurely, like the world isn't swirling in chaos outside my bedroom door.

I don't have to tell him to be quiet. He knows not only from our encounter last year but from all those times we fooled around in this house when we were teens. For me, too, this is second nature. And yet, it is different tonight. Maybe it's that this time I'm the one who's cheating, although David doesn't know that, which makes me doubly deceptive. Or maybe it's that I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. But I'm not jumping him like I did last year, or like I jumped Ben our first time. I love David and I love all of this, but I know that every moment, every movement, further complicates my already complicated life.

David pauses in kissing his way softly, gently down my body to say, "I love you, Darlene."

"I love you, David." His name is still so powerful and weighty, all the times and ways I've said it, from annoyance to passion. His "Darlene" is based in need, which is sometimes a weak neediness and sometimes is something basic at his core, like I complete him. I think he's frightened of that, frightened of me, which I understand. I can be scary, and loving me isn't easy. Even Ben, who's pretty fearless, said we might rip each other's heart out, but he also said, "I'm in."

I guess in a way, I've always been scared of David, which I know would make most people, including my family, laugh. From the beginning, when we bonded over our crazy hair, I've been drawn to him, even though the intimacy he offered was a threat to my self-image as a tough, sarcastic loner.

And here I am, naked and vulnerable with him again, as he kisses me above my divided heart, down to the belly that his surprisingly persistent sperm made grow three times (the first time, the one that made us marry at nineteen, was just a baby bump that became a miscarriage), and at last to the place he pleaded for months to enter when we were fifteen and then sixteen.

He's not penetrating me yet. His mouth and hands are gliding along the surface and the edges, making me want more but also scared of that more. And then, slowly, gradually, he gives me more. I call him "Maurice" when I come, just to lighten things up. He chuckles against my crotch, no longer embarrassed that I know his middle name.

He kisses his way up and whispers, "I love you, Darlene," again.

This time I whisper, "I love you, Kevin."

He laughs again, but he does shake his head. His beard, so much lighter and tentative than Ben's, grazes my neck. Then he nuzzles my ear and breathes, "I want to be inside you. I'll wait as long as you want, but I want it. And I think you want it, too."

David can be very direct sometimes and, damn him, he sees through me sometimes. He doesn't know that Ben was inside me as recently as six nights ago, but he does know that I want him himself. I could joke some more or try to delay this further but my whole body, especially my fucking heart, needs him right now. And not just so that I can make up my mind with all available evidence.

"I'll get you a condom."

David has the same expression of disbelief yet longing I saw twenty-six years ago in a cheap motel on Prom Night. Let's hope he's not intimidated into impotency again, although I guess that would sort of resolve my dilemma. No, I know, I'm already a cheater, so let's take this all the way, one way or another.

Our first couple times, I mean the time he was in me for about a minute before coming in that same motel room a couple nights later, and the time I actually had time to appreciate it, that first time in my bedroom, he was on top. When I jumped him last year, I was on top and did most of the work. It felt appropriate, like I was sweeping him off his feet, having my way with him, so that his guilt towards Blue would be less. In the intervening years, we've tried many different positions but tonight I'm going for lying side-by-side. I want to draw this out and do it as quietly as possible. Plus I'm freaking exhausted and drained.

David puts the condom on himself. I haven't even touched his penis tonight, although I've been aware of it since it woke up at my hug in the kitchen. He slides himself in slowly and carefully and we both adjust the angle of our bodies to get the perfect angle of penetration.

I bite my bottom lip and clench around him. He breathes my name. My first love is inside me. The man I thought was my soulmate until he abandoned me. The father of my two beautiful children. And my man on the side.

We move together in a way that is so familiar but so different now, slowly, quietly, and on my side heart-breakingly. This isn't just sex. I wish I could screw around like Becky has since Mark died, with Emilio the only one she's cared about, and that wasn't even until months after he knocked her up. (They FaceTime now, but that's a whole other story.) Ben might forgive a meaningless one-night stand, even with my ex-husband, but how could he forgive me loving David so much and in so many ways?

And how can I do this to David? And by "this," I don't just mean licking his neck and rubbing his ass as the softest part of me surrounds easily the hardest part of this marshmallow-soft man. I mean how can I set up someone so vulnerable for more hurt? Even if I ultimately give up Ben and choose David, how would David feel if he knew I'd taken so long to decide? But I'm already in too deep, and David is in too deep in me, to back out now. I'm going to see this through. Which means I'm scarier than anyone knows.

He takes a long time to come, while I'm orgasming so much and so intensely I want to scream loudly enough to blow the roof off. And when he gets to his climax, it's a sudden push that makes his eyes roll back in his head, like he doesn't know where this is coming from. Then he asks, "Would it be OK if I had some of the pizza?"

I laugh as quietly as I can, as waves of pleasure and guilt wash over me again.


	6. David in between Episodes One and Two of Season Two

When I wake up in Darlene's bed Monday morning, I can't help smiling. I'm finally starting to believe that Thursday night wasn't just a fluke. Not that she acted at the time like it was a one-night stand or the beginning of a fling, but after she backed away last year, I didn't want to take anything for granted.

I would've been happy just to sit and talk and eat pizza with her. Remember, I didn't even know if anyone would be home. Her phone was off all day and I didn't want to call the landline in case her dad answered.

Her being alone in the kitchen, while her dad was at the hospital, was perfect. I let myself in the unlocked back door and we sat and talked, although we didn't eat the pizza until later. We didn't talk about our relationship, but we did talk about our daughter, and I am trying to be a better parent.

After I put the pizza in the fridge, Darlene hugged me and invited me up to her room. And even then, I didn't want to assume anything, but I was grateful for whatever I would get.

The kids were sleeping across the hall, so we had to be very quiet. I wouldn't mind them knowing I'm back with their mom, but that doesn't mean I'd want them to overhear us making love.

And we did make love that night, slow, sweet, gentle love. I was really savoring her, in a way I hadn't before. Maybe it's that I almost lost her to Ben, or maybe it's that I realized how much better everything, including sex, is than it was with Blue. All I know is, I wanted to last all night, and being on our sides helped with that. When I came, I remembered the first time with her, when it was over so fast that she asked if we were going to have sex and I said, "I think I just did." This was the opposite, but it suddenly seemed amazing that I was with the same girl, all these years later.

We ate the pizza, naked in bed, although she put on her robe to get it out of the fridge. When she opened the box, she said we should eat all of it, since she didn't want her dad asking questions about who bought it and why it wasn't half meat instead of all veggie. We'd both worked up an appetite, even from slow sex, and I think she hasn't been eating much lately because of stress, so she had more than I did.

Afterwards, I offered to go, since it was very late. But all she had to say was "Stay," and I stayed. So I slept in her bed, holding her close.

When her alarm went off, she whispered, "I've got to get up, but you stay here until I tell you it's safe."

I wished she could linger, but I understood. She had to take a shower, get dressed, and go make breakfast for the kids. She didn't have to work that day, or for awhile, thanks to Ben, but she would spend most of her time at the hospital, because of Becky and the baby.

When she came back to tell me her dad and the kids were gone, I showered and dressed. We kissed goodbye in the kitchen, and then I walked to where I'd parked my car, a couple blocks away so Dan wouldn't see it, although at the time I didn't know I would sleep over.

I don't think anyone but Jackie knows that Darlene and I are back together. I'm sure they know she broke up with Ben, since she didn't move in with him in Chicago. But I get the impression she doesn't talk about her love life, especially with the family so focused on Becky and the baby right now.

I went to the hospital a couple times this weekend. It was awkward, standing in the same room as, although deliberately never next to, Darlene, having this secret from her family. But I think, from things they said, that they thought it was awkward for me to be there as Darlene's ex. But even if I hadn't gotten back together with her, I still would've felt like this is my family, too. After all, they took me in when I was sixteen and I couldn't take any more of my mom's abuse. Mrs. Conner insisted I stay even when Darlene wanted me to leave after we broke up because of Jimmy. On the day I married into this family, Mark told me that Dan and Roseanne were our parents now. And even when I abandoned my wife and children, I still felt connected to the Conners.

Also, Becky is my brother's widow. I remember how much she wanted to have his child, and how hard it was on her when Darlene kept getting pregnant without trying. I'm happy for her that she's finally become a mother, even if the circumstances are far from ideal. It doesn't matter that Beverly Rose isn't technically my niece. She's still part of my family.

I was going to visit again last night, but I ran into Darlene in the parking lot. She'd spent most of the day there and needed a break.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?" I suggested.

"I want to take you home with me."

"OK." I knew she'd drop me off at the hospital when she went back, so I wasn't worried about that. And I was happy to return to her bedroom.

This time I was on top, at her request. I still tried to go as slow and quiet as I could.

"How are you lasting so long?" she asked at one point.

"It's a Tantric technique Bl— I read somewhere."

She rolled her eyes at my almost saying Blue's name at a time like that. To make it up to her, I gave her a very intimate massage that made her eyes roll in ecstasy instead.

We used a condom again. Ben is probably clean and I know Blue was. (When she was a dominatrix, she never actually took off her clothes, so she's been with fewer people than you might expect.) Still, we want to be careful together. If Becky could get pregnant, Darlene certainly could, especially with our track record.

Even with condoms, my orgasms with Darlene are very intense. I love being inside her. Even though I'm filling her, it's like she's completing me, so it's not just a physical thing, but it's emotional, almost spiritual, what I think Blue was trying to describe but I never felt with her. Not that sex with Blue was bad of course, especially when we were high, but it was never as great as it is with Darlene. And when I come in Darlene, I feel it in my whole body.

When Blue told me she wanted a baby with me, it just felt wrong, although I understand why she thought that I'd want that, because I never really argued with her until the night we broke up. If Darlene said she wanted another baby, I would totally want that, even though our kids are adolescents now. I thought it was great when Mrs. Conner had Jerry, even though Becky was already a wife by then and Darlene was at art school. You learn from your mistakes and the last kid is the one who turns out best. (Jerry is happy and well-adjusted, working on an Alaskan fishing boat. Of course, we haven't seen him since Roseanne's funeral, so maybe he only seems like he's got his shit together more than the rest of us.) Seeing Beverly Rose has made me think about how when Jackie had Andy (who did not turn out well, but that's another story), I totally wanted to be a dad, not realizing how tough it is, particularly considering what shitty role models my parents were. But I'm older and more together now, and I think I could be a great dad to a new baby, if Darlene wanted that. But we just got back together, and I know Becky needs her help right now, so we should probably wait a couple years anyway. By then, Harris will be at college (maybe) and Mark will be in high school.

Anyway, for now it's good to wake up beside Darlene and know that this is the beginning of years of really being together. We'll tell the kids soon, maybe when things settle down with all the stuff with Becky and the baby, and Dan will have to see that I'm a better father now than before and I'll be a better husband, if Darlene agrees to remarry I mean. But I'll let her set the pace for all this of course.

She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I wish she didn't have to get up, but it's another school day, and she's got to take care of the kids. Maybe in another month or two, they'll all move in with me and I can help out in the mornings.

I want to kiss her awake, but I'll let her sleep until her alarm goes off. She needs that.


	7. Ben in between Episodes One and Two of Season Two

I'm really worried about Darlene. She's been stressing about the commute for weeks, although the solution is simple, just move in with me. And now her sister had the baby early, a few days ago, so she's stressing about that.

It's natural for her to worry, but this feels like something else. And I want her to rely on me, but it feels like she's distancing herself. I can't even really bring it up, because one, I feel selfish right now, and two, she's not around to talk to.

Maybe it's partly my fault. If I hadn't moved the magazine to Chicago, not accepted the offer, then I could've stayed in Lanford. We could've taken things more slowly, not considered moving in together until she was really ready. And maybe she would've been more eager to live with me if it were in the same town as her family.

Also, I sort of regret giving her a week off work. I was trying to be a good boss and a good boyfriend. But I really miss her and I worry about her even more. She takes awhile to respond to my texts and we've spoken on the phone only a couple times since Wednesday, and it's Monday evening now. I've gotten used to not seeing her on weekends, but I kept hoping she'd walk into the office today, even though I knew she wouldn't.

Her sister had the baby late on Wednesday and it, she, is in the NICU, a tiny little thing with tubes, that's how Darlene put it. The sister, Becky, feels really guilty because she's a recovering alcoholic. And Darlene feels helpless, although trying to be strong for everyone.

This all makes me feel helpless, which I hate. I want to do something more for Darlene, but I don't know what.

Maybe something to do with food. Remember, food is really important to the Conners. And they probably have less time to cook now that they're at the hospital so much.

I think I'll swing by the grocery store on the way home and pick up a deli platter, something she and her family can snack from. Then tomorrow morning, I'll drive down to Lanford after her kids and dad leave for the day. I can maybe spend some time with her, not necessarily in bed. Even if all she wants is to hold my hand at the hospital, I'll be there for her.

I know she hates to need anyone, but I am here to be needed. I need to remind her of that.

I know she has intimacy issues, emotional intimacy, not physical. I'm not sure how much has to do with David abandoning her and how much goes even further back. Obviously, her mom dying has probably made it harder to get close to people. I thought I'd broken through all that, but now I'm having doubts.

I'd like to talk to her about all this, but of course these various problems, including seeing less of her lately, make it harder to talk with her. But I think if things don't improve soon, I'll suggest she get therapy. If she can talk things out with a professional, and a stranger, then maybe she'll eventually be ready to talk them out with me.

I really love her and want to work on our relationship, but she's got to meet me halfway.


	8. Darlene during Season Two, Episode Two

I kiss David when my alarm goes off Tuesday morning. It hasn't been quite a week since we got back together. So much has changed, but I'm not any closer to making a decision.

I ran into Jackie in the hallway when I went to get the pizza Thursday night. She needed a break from her mother, which I can understand. I love Grandma Bev but she can be a bit much sometimes.

Anyway, David was still lying on top of the covers, but he had rolled over so that he couldn't see through the door before I shut it. I guess Jackie caught a glimpse of him because she asked me if the naked man was David. Not that she recognized his ass, but she could probably see his hair and height, so it clearly wasn't Ben.

She assumed that I'd broken up with Ben, since I was sleeping with David, but I am still involved with Ben. True, I haven't seen him since Wednesday, but I do miss him and think about him. I don't know what it'll be like seeing him again when I go back to work on Thursday, but I'll have to face him sometime.

It might be easier if I could stop sleeping with David. I was never alone with him over the weekend, well, not until Sunday night. I saw him at the hospital when my family was around, but the focus was on Becky and the baby. Then I saw him in the parking lot as I was about to head home Sunday night, and I asked him back to my house, to my bedroom.

As on Thursday night, we had quiet, loving, long-lasting sex, with him on top this time, because that was what I asked for.

I didn't run into anyone that night, or last night, and he does his best to make sure no one's around when he goes to the bathroom at night. I know it's only a matter of time before the kids find out, but so far we've been safe.

David now kisses me back and I can tell from his eyes and his erection that he wants me to stay in bed, but of course I can't, no matter how much I want to.

I gently pull away. "I'll come back after my dad and the kids leave." I'm of course going to the hospital again, but I don't have to be there any specific time. David does have work, but he's closing rather than opening this week.

He's going to have to take time off work today, to make a 4 p.m. meeting with Mark's principal. Yesterday afternoon, when I was going to take the kids to see Becky after school, the principal called me. I got more details from Mark when I talked to him, but basically, his friend Austin, who recently came out, kissed him in the cafeteria because it was personal pizza day. (I tried not to recall eating pizza naked in bed with David on Thursday night.) Someone took a picture of the boys' kiss and posted it on social media. So we have to go to the school and discuss that.

I told Mark that school is not the place for kissing. (I did kiss David sometimes, but he usually started it, since he's always been more demonstrative. And anyway, that was high school, not middle school.)

I'm one hundred percent OK with Mark being gay. Mom had a lot of gay friends when I was a teenager, and she taught me that love is love. I'm very proud of Mark for knowing and accepting who he is at such a young age.

David and I haven't discussed it much, but he seems supportive. I'm glad that he's at least agreed to come to the meeting.

He really is making an effort to be a better father, which I appreciate. I don't think it's just to win me back. He loves the kids and wants the four of us to be a real family again.

"What if I get dressed, sneak out, and then knock on the front door?" he now suggests.

"Are you ready to face my dad?" I'm half teasing, half serious. After all, I didn't want my dad to find out last Tuesday when all I'd done was make out with David.

He sighs. "Well, maybe not like that."

I pat his hand. "I need to go take a shower."

I get out of bed and put on my robe. I can feel David's eyes on my naked body before I cover it up. It's weird to me that he loves my body even more now than when it was young and firm and childless. Ben loves it, too, but he's only seen it in middle age, without knowing its history.

The nights that David has stayed over lately, I've set my alarm for a little earlier than usual. It's not just so I can have a few extra minutes with David. I also want to be sure I can get to the bathroom and back before the kids wake up.

I'm still so tired lately, even without work and the commute. Even slow, dreamy sex takes energy. And there's the stress and the guilt, in so many directions. I'm unfaithful to two wonderful men who both deserve better than this, better than me. I'm neglecting my kids to the point that my daughter has become an unrepentant drug dealer. (I'm less worried about Mark, because he's younger and has always been "the good kid," but I do wonder if he would've told me about his maybe boyfriend if the school hadn't called me.) I'm trying to be there for Becky, to say the right things, but I don't know that I can offer any real comfort.

As for the rest of the family, I don't know. My dad seems OK, and I've noticed he's becoming better friends with his old classmate Louise, who's the new manager at La Casa Bonita. (The owner fired Ramon, not because Ramon had a one-night stand with Becky last year, but because the deportation of Emilio and some other staff made the restaurant look bad.)

Anyway, it's hard to read my father sometimes, unlike Jackie, who is from the emotional side of the family. She's doing better since she dumped Peter and decided to focus on her nieces. I know Becky doesn't really want the attention, but it's hard for her to push Jackie away, especially with everything that's happened with the baby. As for me, I like having Jackie as a confidante. She's gone through a lot of what I'm going through and I appreciate the wisdom of her experience, even if I don't always follow her advice. At the same time, she's less judgy than Mom would've been. (My mother would've been Team David, in the sense that she'd tell him he deserves better than me.)

No one ever thinks about D.J., who takes after Dad's side and tends not to dwell on his problems. For that very reason, I feel guilty about D.J. Right now, he's worried about Becky and little Bev, but he does have his own stuff to deal with. Geena got redeployed, so D.J. is playing single dad again. Also, Geena told me last year that D.J. has some issues related to his own time in the military. He and I have never talked about that, and I feel bad. When we were growing up, I was closer to him than Becky was, even though we fought more. But we drifted apart after I got married and I didn't come home from Chicago as often.

As for Jerry, we think about him even less, but he drifted away a lot further than Chicago. I think of him occasionally, like I think of my cousin Andy, but neither of them is a part of our lives anymore.

Yeah, I guess I could have even more obligations than I do. Anyway, I've got to get ready for another day of being divided into a dozen pieces.


	9. David during Season Two, Episode Three

I glance at my phone, to double check the time and to see if Darlene sent a text I missed. No word and she's ten minutes late, one-fifth of our fifty-minute hour. I look up at Gaby the therapist and smile nervously. "She said she'd be here." I don't know if I'm trying to reassure the therapist or myself.

"Does she make a lot of promises she doesn't keep?"

"Wait a minute, we're not here to attack Darlene!"

"I'm not attacking her, but I do find it interesting that your first reaction is to leap to her defense."

"Of course I defend her. I love her!"

"And she loves you?"

"Yes, definitely." I hope that doesn't sound too defensive.

"And you two have been together a long time, off and on."

"Yeah, twenty-seven years. Well, we started out as friends, but I loved her as a friend and then as more."

"Then why did you abandon her for nine years?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now you're attacking me?"

"I'm not attacking anyone. I'm trying to get a sense of what your relationship is like so that you can move forward."

I scratch my ear. "It's a pretty complicated relationship."

"We can get started today, whether or not Darlene shows up."

I nod. She's right. And it would be nice to have someone really listen to my side of things, which I haven't had since Roseanne died. Whenever I tried to explain things to Blue, she would jump in with her own interpretations, most of them pretty spacy, although they sounded profound at the time, especially if I was stoned. I admit, "I don't know where to start."

"Let's start in the present."

"Wait, shouldn't we talk about the past?"

"We will, in later sessions. But sometimes it helps to work backwards."

"OK, but I may need to zigzag to explain things as I go along."

"That's fine. It's your story."

I take a deep breath and let it out. "Well, Darlene and I slept together three times in the past week. Thursday night, Sunday, and Monday. It wasn't planned but she initiated it each time and of course I said yes."

"Of course?"

I blush a little. "Well, yeah. The sex is always great with her and I love her."

"So is this at her place or yours?"

"Well, hers. So we have to be very quiet and secretive so her dad and our kids don't find out."

"How do you feel about that?"

I frown. "I told her yesterday that I'm tired of sneaking around. I slept over like I did the other two times, and I waited until everybody left, like she wants. Then I came downstairs to kiss her and she sent me back up because someone came in the back door. And then I came down again when I looked out her window and saw her dad going into the garage with a platter of meat. So I figured the coast was clear, and I went down to the laundry room to wash my outfit from yesterday. But Darlene got mad because she thought her dad would catch me in her robe and my boxers and undershirt. So she made me put on my wet jeans and leave."

"That must have been uncomfortable for you."

"Well, yeah, of course. But I knew it wasn't the time to argue about it. And then when I saw her later, it was for a meeting with our son's principal. So I wanted to focus on Mark, supporting him."

"Supporting him?"

"Yeah, he's gay and his friend Austin kissed him at school, violating the PDA rule. But Austin, whose grandmother is raising him and is really homophobic, blamed Mark. And that was more upsetting to Mark than the school's punishment. I had to get back to work after the meeting and I was working the late shift, but when I went over that evening, Darlene and I talked to him together. And I feel really good about us as a parenting team now. So I told Darlene we should tell the kids we're getting back together."

"And what did she say?"

"She said we're still working on our relationship. So I said that if there's a reason we can't get back together, I want to know. So then she said that I need therapy because of our issues. I figured, if they're our issues, then we should both go."

"So you immediately booked a session this morning?"

"Well, luckily you had a cancellation. And I know it's short notice, but Darlene said she'd try to make it if she could. She doesn't have to work today. Her boss gave her a week off because her sister had a preemie."

"Why did you sort of grimace when you said 'her boss'?"

"Did I?"

"Yes. Do you not approve of her job?"

"Well, I'm not crazy about it. But it beats when she was a casino waitress. At least she gets to write, and she's wanted to be a writer as long as I've known her." I think of when we were in junior high and I was surprised to hear the sarcastic girl jock read her clever but vulnerable poem at a school assembly. So maybe I loved her even before I officially met her. I at least had a little crush on her from that moment on.

"Do you not approve of her boss?"

"Ben? I've never even met him."

"But is he a bad boss? Does Darlene dislike him?"

"Well, no. Um, actually, they dated for awhile and got serious fast. But they broke up by the time we became a couple again." For now, I'll leave out that I made her choose between me and Ben.

"That must be awkward for them."

"Well, yeah, but they're still friends and she still works for him."

"Does that make you feel jealous?"

"Of course not! She chose me. And I don't have anything against him."

"Then why did you grimace?"

"Because it is an awkward situation. For all three of us."

She nods and writes something down.

"You don't take a lot of notes."

"It's not about me remembering things, although I do have an excellent memory. It's about me helping you, and I hope later Darlene, work through your issues. And that's mostly done through talking. Not to put down writing of course."

I nod. "Yeah, sometimes I use art, visual art, to sort out my feelings. Well, not as much as when I was younger. But sometimes."

"So your ex-sister-in-law had a premature baby?"

I blink. Her mental notes are impressive. "Yeah, I still think of her as my sister-in-law because she's also my brother's widow."

"So you two brothers married two sisters?"

"Yeah. Darlene and I were the middle kids of our families, and as a couple we were sort of in Mark, my brother Mark, and Becky's shadow at first. She always wanted to prove to her parents that we weren't like them."

"In what way?"

"Well, Becky dropped out of high school to elope with Mark. And Darlene broke up with me when she was in art school mostly because she was scared of ending up like her mom and Becky, marrying her high school boyfriend."

"But she did."

"Well, yeah, because I got her pregnant."

"I see."

"I mean, we were in love, but we were really young, nineteen. And she lost the baby after the wedding." I don't tell Gaby that the miscarriage happened because Darlene was so upset about her father's heart attack during the reception. They both recovered, but there we were, married but no longer going to be teenage parents.

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you." After all these years, I still don't know what the right response is, any more than I did when Crystal said, "I know it's sad, but you two will have lots of kids later, when you're ready."

"So you had your son, Mark, years later?"

"Yeah, he's only twelve. Our daughter, Harris, is seventeen."

"And how did they react to the divorce?"

"Well, Darlene and I were separated for years, even before it became official. So Mark doesn't remember us as a couple. And I'm not sure how Harris feels about it, but she bonded a little with my now ex-girlfriend, Blue."

She writes something down. I wait for her to ask about Blue's name, because everyone does, but instead she says, "We can discuss all this more next time."

I look up at the clock. "It hasn't been an hour yet." More like half an hour.

"Yes, but since you're a new client and this was short notice, I need time to prep your file on my computer."

"Oh, um, can I have this session at half-price? Especially since Darlene didn't show up." If she were just running late, she would've texted by now.

"My prices are based on the time, not the number of clients in one session. You could have the entire family in here for the same fee."

"That might not be a bad idea."

She smiles like she wants to laugh, but I'm not really kidding.


	10. Ben during Season Two, Episode Three

It's Friday and Darlene was supposed to come back to work yesterday. She asked for the rest of this week off because her sister and the baby are moving into the basement. It's all too much for Becky to cope with, being a new mom of a preemie and facing the huge hospital bills. Darlene invited Becky to move back home, and Dan supports that. The whole family is pitching in to remodel the basement into a bedroom fit for a mother and baby. I offered to help, but Darlene said that they had it covered, especially with Dan's drywall crew there yesterday.

She just sent me pictures from her phone of the remodel and it looks good. But I feel left out. Again, I know it's not about me, but I want to be included in shit like that.

I went over to see the baby in the hospital three times this week. The first time was after I was "in the neighborhood" and dropped off the deli platter. It wasn't meant to be just a drop-off. But Darlene was in a hurry to get me out of her house, ushering me onto the porch and kissing me goodbye, first in a rushed way and then more lingering.

I told her she needs therapy. I really meant it, more than ever. She wasn't, isn't, just stressed about the commute. Something else is going on with her, but I can't place it. I don't think it's just about Becky, because she should be turning to me, relying on me, the man she loves, the man who loves her. I wasn't entirely kidding when I told Becky that Darlene is afraid to be vulnerable. And maybe now that she most needs me, it's harder for her to show that, because she doesn't want to seem weak. I don't know. Hopefully, a therapist could help her work through this, if she ever agrees to go.

Anyway, I wanted to go to the hospital with her, but she shooed me away, so I drove over on my own. But Becky was sleeping and I'm not "family," so I couldn't see her or the baby. I left before Darlene and Jackie got there, so I guess they didn't leave the house right away like Darlene said they were going to. I only found out they were there after I was when Darlene texted me from the hospital.

I headed back to Chicago. Since I'm the boss, it didn't matter if I was late, not that I'm that strict about punctuality for anyone else. I left work late to make up for it, and then I had dinner before driving back to Lanford.

This time I didn't even try to see Darlene. I just headed straight to the hospital. Becky was awake and the nurses let me in to see her.

"Hey, it's Tabloid Man."

"Hey, Crazy Lady. How are you doing?"

She frowned and shook her head. "I'm up to my neck in debt now."

"Yeah, I heard. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Give me the traditional $500,000 bride price as the elder sister."

"Would you settle for two goats and a cow?"

"Well, that would help me with my nursing issues."

"Uh, TMI."

"Sorry, I forget sometimes that you're still not used to the Conner family. Dad says you fit right in. I don't think he's had a son-in-law crush this bad since Dean."

"A what now?"

"I briefly broke up with Mark and went out with the high school football star, who reminded Dad of himself, so of course Dad loved Dean, in a platonic, father-in-law sort of way."

"So you're telling me your father is a narcissist?"

She laughs. "No, but he likes what he calls 'stand-up guys.' "

"Like Seinfeld?"

She shook her head but smiled. "No, hard-working men who are there for their families and are handy around the house. That's why he always preferred Mark to David." Now she looked like she was going to cry.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. If I said, "You must miss your husband," she'd probably cry hard and I wasn't there to upset her. So I asked, "How's the baby?", even though I knew that might start a flood of tears, too.

She smiled again. "She's beautiful." Then she sighed. "But she's so small and frail. I wish I'd been healthy enough to carry her to full term."

"Maybe she just really wanted to be a Libra."

She laughed in surprise as much as amusement. "You sound like Blue."

"I have a feeling that's not a compliment."

"I miss her."

"You do?"

"Yeah, she was really spacy but she was nice. But she dropped out of my life after David dumped her."

"Wait, they broke up?"

"Didn't Darlene tell you?"

"Uh, no. When was this?"

"A couple months ago. Around the time Emilio got deported."

Then Becky started crying, so of course I couldn't ask her more about David. I had to pat her hand and think of comforting things to say, like "Emilio will be back when he can" and "You're a Conner woman and you're strong." It would've been selfish for me to ask, "Wasn't this also around the time Darlene said she couldn't move to Chicago with me?" But I did wonder.

After she dried her tears, Becky asked, "Have you seen Lil Bev yet?"

"No, but I'd like to. If it's OK for non-family-members to go to the NICU."

She frowned. "Louise went there with my dad."

"Who's Louise?"

"My boss."

"That's nice of her."

"She's had a crush on my dad for fifty years."

"A son-in-law crush?"

She snorted and then called a nurse to escort me to the NICU.

I'd never been to one before. My nephews were both full term and healthy. I put on the gown and other protective clothing.

"I won't go in with you," the nurse whispered. "Ms. Harris is in there."

I didn't find out what that was about until I had a chance to talk to Darlene later. Jackie, who's still trying to find something to give her life meaning, a couple months after her breakdown in a Chinese restaurant, has been pushing the nurses around, to the point of expecting them to teach Lil Bev Chinese! (Presumably it would be Spanish lessons if the breakdown had been at La Casa Bonita, but Becky is the one who had a breakdown there this week.)

Jackie was OK when I was there, a little weird like always, but I'm getting used to that.

I had a couple minutes on my own with the baby, who was indeed small, frail, and beautiful. I told her that everyone was rooting for her, me included. Then I offered to give her piano lessons, "when your hands are much bigger of course."

I was just about to leave when Darlene came in. "Hey, I didn't know you were here."

She didn't seem as distant as she had in the morning. Still, I asked, "Is it OK?"

Instead of answering in words, she came over and hugged me. She rested her head against my chest as if listening to my heartbeat, as we wrapped our arms tight around each other. It hadn't even been a week since I held her, but it felt longer.

"Come home with me tonight," I whispered.

I expected her to object, to say that she had to stay in town because of her sister and niece. Instead she said, "OK, if you can bring me back to Lanford in time for me to make the kids breakfast."

"Of course," I said, grateful that I'd get to spend the night with my girlfriend.

We talked in my car, but not about us, beyond that we'd missed each other. She filled me in on her family, things she had texted me about and things she hadn't. 

"...And then today I had to meet with Mark's principal because he was caught kissing at school."

I chuckled and said, "Go, Mark!"

She smiled but said, "It's a little more complicated than that." She explained that Mark's friend Austin, who had recently told Mark that he's gay, too, kissed him in the cafeteria and another kid took a picture and posted it on social media.

I'd known Mark is "gender-non-conforming." I suspected he's gay. I never discussed this with Darlene, or with Mark when I gave him music lessons. All that really mattered was he was a bright, talented, and, surprisingly for a Conner, upbeat kid.

I hadn't really thought about prejudice and how it would affect him. The world seems so much more tolerant than when I was his age, in the '80s. But it turned out that Austin's grandmother, who's raising him, is a homophobe and so Austin claimed that Mark kissed him. So Mark was mad at Austin for lying about the two of them, but he was also mad at Darlene for telling him to accept himself, when the world isn't ready to accept him.

"...But we talked him through it and I think he's going to be all right."

"We?"

"Well, yeah, David and I are trying to be better co-parents and he went with me to the principal's office."

"Oh, of course." I tried not to sound jealous. I mean, he is the kids' dad and he is trying to make amends for abandoning them for years. I'm glad about it, for her sake and the kids' sake, but I feel like I could step in as stepdad-in-waiting if she needed it. However, I don't want to remind her of Blue, who crashed a parent-teacher conference after meeting Mark twice.

"Anyway, he's still my 'good kid,' but Harris is, well, being a little bitch lately. I mean more than is normal for my family."

"She's seventeen. That's a tough age."

"So's forty-two."

I chuckled and nodded.

That night, we didn't have hot, frantic sex like we had the last few times, including the last time a couple weeks ago. It was still passionate but more tender. It seemed to be what she needed.

"Have you lost weight?" I asked afterwards, as I stroked her bare skin.

"I've been stressed and not eating as much."

"Baby, you need to take care of yourself."

"I know but it's hard when so much is going on."

"Let me cook for you a couple nights a week when you come back to work."

"If you want to."

"I want to."

"Thank you."

We kissed, a soft, tender kiss. She fell asleep snuggled up against me, her head resting on my chest, as I stroked her curly hair.

But she isn't coming back to work just yet. I get my phone and take another look at the picture of Mark's mural for his baby cousin. He's so talented, in so many ways, like his mother. I don't want to see the potential of either of them, or bitter, frustrated Harris, go to waste. I know I can't "rescue" them, sweep them off to Chicago, but maybe I can help them while they're in Lanford. If Darlene will let me.


	11. Darlene four days into Season Two, Episode Four

My children are as much of a contrast as Becky and I used to be. But she was the A student who was also a drama queen, while I was the underachiever who mostly was the middle child who didn't want to make waves. That shifted over time, especially once we got involved with the Healy brothers, but we remained very different people.

Mark is sunshine and rainbows. He is gay in the modern and old senses. He is upbeat and positive, about himself and the world. He even won a contest for a city motto for Lanford. He is talented in so many ways, including things like music that he didn't get from me or David. (My dad, however, is a good musician and used to think about pursuing that, before he had kids.). Sometimes I look at Mark and marvel that he's mine.

I never doubt that Harris is my daughter, except for her being taller than me since she was twelve. She is talented, too, but with words, sometimes channeling them into writing but mostly using them as verbal weapons. I won't deny that my sarcasm, learned at my mother's knee, was meant to cut, but never deeply. Mostly, I delighted in my own wit.

Harris wants to hurt people. Mark came up with "Lanford: Free, Proud, and Getting Cleaner," but Harris wrote a screed about "how terrible life in Lanford is, that it's a decaying old town full of losers and burnouts, and if you live here, it's only a matter of time until you become a drunk or a drug addict," and that was Harris heady with optimism when she thought we were moving back to Chicago. Right now, Harris most wants to hurt me, but I know it's because I have hurt her and her father.

Harris was a little girl when David left us, but she does remember him. I have pictures of her holding his hand and looking up at him trustingly, while he looks down at her with the same adoration he showed in the NICU as she fought to survive. Although it was the 21st century, it was so long ago that I took these photos with an actual camera, rather than on my phone, unlike the photos I sent Ben of the basement remodel for Becky and Lil Bev. (Yeah, they've moved in with us, more on that in a bit.) After David left, I thought about ripping up those photos, but it wasn't like I could destroy the memories, mine or Harris's.

He's still Harris's dad and she still loves him. And that's great of course, what I wanted when David came back into our lives last year. The problem is that she saw him leaving my room in the middle of the night, probably that Sunday or Monday night that he slept over, since it was the previous Thursday I ran into Jackie. I don't think he saw her or knows that she saw him, any more than he knows that Jackie saw him. I don't want to tell him, especially since she's blackmailing me.

At first I thought she was mad at me for not being home much, and forgetting to buy essentials like bread and toilet paper. But I confronted her and she threatened to tell David about Ben. I promised I'd make up my mind soon.

The guys almost found out about each other a couple weeks ago. It was the last time David slept over, because they almost found about each other. (Since then, I've only got together with David at his place.) Not that I told him that of course.

Harris isn't blackmailing me for money but for permission, like on Friday when she went to _Rocky Horror_ with her new best friend Odessa, who I'd never met before. I had to let Harris wear a skimpy top because she suggested she ask for her dad's permission. And it's not even really about me letting her do stuff. It's about her manipulating me, a power play worthy of her Granny Rose.

Like last night at dinner. We had a family dinner to celebrate Mark's motto triumph. D.J. and Mary couldn't make it because they were FaceTiming with Geena, but Jackie was there because she always drops by, maybe more since Grandma Bev moved in with her. Becky and Lil Bev were there because they live there.

Becky had a breakdown at work a couple weeks ago. It was like and unlike Jackie's breakdown at the Chinese restaurant a couple months ago. Becky wasn't drunk, but still on the wagon, as she's been since she found out she was pregnant. She was really overwhelmed though, having gone back to work way too early, because of her huge medical debts. Louise called Dad, who called me, although I got there first. I invited Becky to move back home, once Lil Bev was released from the hospital, which was going to happen that Friday. Dad was immediately on board with that, and he even got his crew to help with the remodeling of the basement. We all pitched in though, including Mark painting a great mural. The remodel was a surprise for Becky and she loves it. It feels good to make someone happy for a change, I mean not like with David, where it's all built on lies and deception.

I of course invited David over for the celebratory dinner for Mark. It's obviously weird for me to be around him when any of the family is there except for Jackie, since he definitely knows she knows. (For one thing, the two of us tried to put David into his wet jeans the morning that he slept over and Ben dropped by.) Harris knows but he doesn't know that and so she holds that over me as much as she holds over me that I'm still sleeping with Ben. (I hadn't seen him as much during my time off work, but I did go home with him the night after David last slept over.)

David has been going to therapy twice a week, and that's Ben's fault. The morning Ben came by, he kept saying I need therapy. I couldn't tell him that the reason I'm so stressed and scattered is that I'm cheating on him with my ex-husband. And for that matter, David isn't even technically my ex-husband, since I still haven't signed the divorce papers almost a year after I told David that we should finally get divorced because things seemed so serious with him and Blue. Even after falling for Ben, I've been unable to let David go.

And yet, I can't let Ben go either. After David and I met with Mark's principal, we had to deal with the fallout, because Austin, Mark's maybe-boyfriend, turned out to be afraid of his homophobic grandmother. Austin lied about the kiss and that really hurt Mark, who I've tried to raise to be honest. (I know, I haven't been honest myself lately, but I used to be, brutally so at times.) Yet David and I, as he put it, "parented the crap out of that kid." But that made David feel, along with the great sex and our undying love, that there's no reason why we shouldn't tell the kids we're back together. I couldn't tell him that Ben is the reason. So I told David he needs therapy.

He said he'll go if I do, but so far I've been able to get out of it by saying I'm too busy with work. I know Ben would give me the time off work for therapy, but not if he knew it was couples therapy with David. David says he's "evolving every session" and he really wants me to go, for my own growth. 

And Harris needled me last night, "Gee, Mom, are you sure you're not dodging therapy? You might have one or two things it couldn't hurt to discuss, right?" Then she told everyone, "She should only have one, but she has two."

I knew exactly what she meant, and I'm scared of my own daughter. As I told Jackie on Friday, "She said that if I don't make a decision soon that she's gonna tell David and blow the whole thing up." I could lose both David and Ben if I'm not careful. And this is ruining my health. I ate hardly any of the celebratory dinner and I'm mostly crumbling up Tums into baby food. Ben insists on cooking for me twice a week, but I mostly just pick at it and then distract him into having sex.

And tonight my grandmother is treating me to dinner. She's meeting me in Elgin and I'm not supposed to tell anyone. Yes, I'm now having secret rendezvouses with my 90-year-old grandmother. I'm not even sure what this is about, other than it's "a family matter."

Ben wanted to cook for me tonight and maybe have me sleep over. David made a similar offer. I told them both I wanted to head home to make dinner for the kids. I plan to tell my dad I was caught in rush hour traffic again.

I get to the dimly lit restaurant first and look over a menu, trying to find something vegetarian and cheap. My grandmother doesn't have much money, which is why Jackie reluctantly took her in. I feel guilty about her treating me tonight, but it's minor guilt compared to the guilt over my dishonesty and infidelity. By the time she shows up, I've decided on just a salad. It's not like I can eat lately anyway.

Jackie often jokes darkly that Bev will outlive us all. My grandmother definitely doesn't look her age, or seem much older than when I was a kid. I find that comforting, although Jackie understandably does not.

I hug Bev hello and then sit back down. I bite back my remark that this looks like the kind of place for planning an assignation, or an assassination. I am going to be on my best behavior tonight.

And then when I order, she says, "Nonsense, you're skin and bones as it is. How do you expect to hold on to David now that you've won him back if you don't have some meat on your bones? She'll have the lasagna."

"Make it veggie," I manage to croak out. I realize then that she's never met Ben and may not even know of him as more than my boss. It's not like Jackie would've confided in her, and I certainly wouldn't have. Dad talks to her as little as possible. Maybe Becky would've said something, since she's met Ben and I've talked about him to her, although not recently, and she has always been on better terms with our grandmother than most of us, hence "Lil Bev."

Yet Grandma apparently knows that I'm with David, which even Dad, as smart as he is, hasn't realized. She saw us together at the hospital that one time, but I didn't think she would've picked up on anything, when all we'd done at that point was make out. Maybe she just guessed we were back together because she heard about him dumping Blue and doesn't know about the obstacle of Ben.

Is this what she called me here for? Is that why there's all this secrecy? What will I say to her about David? Will I have to admit I'm seeing Ben, too? Worst of all, will I have to be a good little girl and clear my plate?

Maybe this is an intervention and she thinks I have an eating disorder. I mean, I guess I do, but it's temporary. Once I decide between David and Ben, I should be less stressed and guilty and I'll start eating better.

As we're waiting for the food, she says, "Darlene, I think you should know that my mind isn't as a sharp as it used to be. The other day, I forgot the password to my phone. I thought it was 'phone,' but it was 'password.' "

I'm not sure what to say to that, although I am glad we're off the topics of my love life and my diet. "Yeah, everyone has so many passwords these days. It's hard to keep track."

She shakes her head. "It's not just that. I don't feel comfortable managing my financial decisions anymore."

"Uh, Grandma, no offense, but you don't have any money."

"Well, that's not entirely true."

"Not entirely?"

"As it happens, I own a little real estate."

"You do? Then why are you living with Jackie?"

She chuckles in a way that makes me think she's going to call me a "silly-billy." "It's not the kind of property that you can live in."

"What kind of property is it?"

"It's currently a Chinese restaurant, but they're going out of business."

I stare at her. There aren't that many Chinese restaurants in Lanford and it would be too much of a coincidence. "Are you talking about the old Lunch Box property?"

"Yes, Leon sold it back to me."

I didn't really follow the fortunes of the Lunch Box, since I was raising a family in Chicago, mostly on my own. But if I recall correctly, around the time that Mark died and Becky started drinking, the economy in Lanford was worse than ever. Then the 2008 recession came along and the Lunch Box really couldn't make a go of it anymore. Teenaged Darlene would've been thrilled at the death of "an arm of the meat-industrial complex," but I did feel bad for Mom, Jackie, and Nancy when they sold their shares to Leon, who'd bought Bev's share early on. He left town soon after and I guess I assumed that the property went through different owners as well as tenants. But now it turns out that Bev has been the owner all this time.

"At the moment, I don't have a tenant, and I won't be collecting rent checks until someone new moves in. That's why I want to give you power of attorney."

"Excuse me?"

"Once the money starts rolling in again, I'll need someone to help me manage it. And you remind me of my sister Sonya. She was the smart one, while I was the beautiful one."

"Um, thank you?"

"You're welcome. I don't like every decision you've made, like that ridiculous hippie wedding, but you're usually a level-headed girl and have much more common sense than Jackie or Becky."

I don't thank her this time, even dubiously. "What's Jackie going to say when she finds out?"

"Well, we just won't tell her, will we? Mmm, here comes your lasagna! It looks yummy! Go ahead and eat up, don't wait for me. You need it more than I do."

I've lost what little appetite I had. I don't know how to feel about all this. Grandma has been deceiving all of us, especially Jackie, all these years. And now she wants me to deceive Jackie, too. I'm already living a life of lies and omissions, but Jackie has been the only person I can tell anything to. And Mom's death has drawn us closer together. How can I betray her after betraying Ben, David, and my kids?

And yet, this is my grandmother. I want to do the right thing for an old woman who, however warped she is, does love me, all of us. 

"Why did you keep this a secret all this time?" 

"I want to leave a nice little nest egg for the family when I go." 

"Oh." I take a sip of water. "If I do this for you, and I'm not saying I will, do you swear you won't tell Jackie or anyone?" 

"I swear it on my life," she says with utter sincerity, and then she exclaims, "Mmm, look at that rare steak!" as the waitress brings her food. 

The red myoglobin dripping out of the meat like blood makes me want to throw up. Blood is thicker than water. When did I last get my period? 

"Excuse me," I mumble and throw my napkin on the table. I stumble to the ladies' room, where I can't do more than retch because I have nothing to puke up. Then I look at myself in the mirror, and it's like a stranger is looking back. What have I become in the last two or three months? Maybe I do need therapy, but if I go with David, as Jackie pointed out, "after about three sessions, that therapist is gonna know that I'm lying my ass off, and what I'm doing is gonna be totally exposed to David." 

All I know is, I need to eat that salad, so I can produce green vomit later. And then I'll lie to my dad when I get home and say I had dinner with Ben, no matter what shade Harris throws at me for that.


	12. David six days into Season Two, Episode Four

"She's not coming, is she?" I ask my therapist rhetorically.

"Did you expect her to?"

"I don't know. I think there will always be a part of me that thinks, 'This time will be different.' "

"Like when you took her back after Jimmy?"

"Yeah." We covered that in my third session. I've been going twice a week. Gaby charges on a sliding scale, based on my income at Trader Joe's, and I think it's totally worth it. I'm evolving every session, as she helps me see patterns in my life.

But, yes, I wish Darlene would show up. I love her and want to share this with her. She needs to know what I'm discovering about myself, especially if she was serious about us having issues that need to be resolved before we can tell everyone we're back together.

Also, she definitely has her own stuff to work on. One of the things that Gaby has helped me realize is that all this time Darlene and I have acted like I'm the one who has the big issues and she's relatively together. But she's got intimacy issues and control issues and all sorts of things that come up in my therapy but that she needs to work on herself, or with me if she's ever ready.

That Darlene consistently doesn't come to the sessions, even when I schedule them for different days and times of the week, shows that she still doesn't get that this needs to be a partnership.

I now say, "I really need a partnership with her."

"How do you define partnership?"

"Well, right now, we are co-parents and getting better and better at that, like with Mark a couple weeks ago. And the sex is great, not just hot but loving." It used to embarrass me to say stuff like that to Gaby, but she just takes it in as information, like how I'm grateful to Darlene for making me a vegetarian. (I was a vegan with Blue but that was too hard to maintain being around food at Trader Joe's. Or at the Conners' for that matter.) "I love her and I've always loved her. And she still loves me."

"However?"

I cough. "However, there's always been something missing with us. She's never treated me like an equal."

Gaby nods. "Do you think she's capable of that?"

"I honestly don't know. I'd like to think she is, but she's never really tried."

"Have you talked to her about this?"

"Yes, but she dismisses me," I say, thinking of the last time, the morning after I cheated on Blue with her.

Gaby writes something down, which by now I take as a sign that she's putting pieces together.

"You think I should break up with her, don't you?"

"It's not my place to say."

"I've thought about it of course, but we just got back together this month and I keep thinking about how much better it can be, now that I've grown so much recently."

"How does she feel about your development?"

"I don't think she takes it seriously, even though she's the one who suggested I get therapy."

"Why do you think she did that?"

I've had time to think about this, especially since Darlene has so far not kept her promise to attend, which even Harris picked up on and commented on at the family dinner on Monday. (Mark won a town motto contest. I'm most proud of him for taking the risk, when not so long ago he removed his nail polish and said he was tired of standing out.)

"I think it was a delaying tactic."

"Delaying what?"

"Telling the kids we're back together, but also...." I trail off as something clicks into place.

"Yes?"

"We can't break up if we're not together."

"Go on."

"We always had dramatic breakups and romantic reunions. When she told me we were through, I mean the last time, she said we couldn't do that anymore, because it would be hard on the kids. So maybe on some level, she thinks that if we're not officially a couple, then we can't split up."

"Do you think you're a couple?"

"Well, yeah, of course."

"Does she?"

I honestly don't know how to answer that either.

"Tell me again about your parents' divorce."

My first thought is of how Darlene begged her parents to let me move in, when my dad took my kid sisters and left me alone with my abusive mom. But I know Gaby wants me to draw connections between my parents' marriage and mine.

For a moment, I don't want to play anymore. I'm tired of doing the work. But I know this is important, to understand myself and my relationships.

"I was sixteen and the oldest kid living at home...."


	13. Ben ten days into Season Two, Episode Four

**Hey, I just got a flat tire. I'm on the access road by the 70-mile marker on I-90. I've had such a crappy day. Harris is making me crazy. I need to spend more time with Mark. I'm just so tired. I wish we were together right now and I could put my head on your chest and fall asleep.**

I'm at home on a Monday, eating dinner by myself. Darlene did a half day because she said she had to take care of something for her grandmother. I invited her to my place for dinner, but she didn't want to drive to and from Chicago again, and she said we should just wait for Wednesday, which is one of the two nights a week she's been coming over. (The other is Friday.). She never eats much, still so stressed about whatever she's been stressed about.

It's not her sister. Not that all of Becky's problems are magically solved of course, but it sounds like she's settling in, and of course she won't have to pay rent at Dan's, which will help a bit with her huge medical bills.

These days when I try to talk seriously to Darlene at work, she makes everything into a joke. And if she's over having dinner, she stops picking at her food and starts picking at me. I fight back of course, until we get turned on enough that I carry her off to the bedroom.

This all makes Darlene's text the more surprising. She needs me. And it's not just about her being literally stranded. She could've just asked me to change the tire. Hell, I'm surprised she doesn't just change it herself, Dan Conner's tough little tomboy. Wouldn't he have taught her how, like he taught her baseball and basketball?

My dad taught me how to change a tire, like he taught me baseball and basketball and of course, living in Texas, football. Me and my two brothers. I'm a middle child like she is. We're both the sensible, level-headed ones, or at least she used to be.

It's not just the flat tire. And it's not just that she vented about her "crappy day." It's that last line, so sweet and vulnerable, that side of Darlene she tries to keep hidden. I can picture her lying in my arms, her short, curly, dark hair spread on my chest as she listens to my heartbeat.

But first I've got to go rescue the fair maiden. I throw the rest of dinner into Tupperware and grab my jacket. I slip on my shoes and head out.

The traffic's pretty bad but I finally make it. There are two cars by the marker, on what I expected to be a lonely stretch of highway. I guess some driver saw her stranded and pulled over to help. That's nice of him, assuming he isn't a psychopath, but I'm here now.

I've got the jack in the car, and I figure I'll change the tire and then maybe she'll follow me back to Chicago. Or maybe for once, she'll invite me to sleep over. It's not like Dan and the kids don't know about me. And they all like me, even Harris. I wouldn't expect sex, not with her whole family home. But she could fall asleep with her head on my chest.

It turns out that this isn't a stranger standing next to Darlene. It's David, the infamous ex.

Actually, I don't have any hard feelings towards him, whatever baggage he saddled Darlene with. When you date in middle age, nobody is a blank slate. And I like that Darlene has a past, just like I like that her petite but sturdy body has stretch marks and lines.

I shake his hand and say it's good to meet him. But he's a lot less friendly. He seems to resent me being here. And he insists on changing the tire, which he clearly has no idea how to do. Is he trying to prove something, and if so, to who? Maybe this is leftover baggage from their marriage, and I feel like an outsider, even though I'm the one involved with Darlene now. Or maybe this is his Beta insecurities about meeting an Alpha male in a situation that I'm much better equipped for, and I don't just mean the jack.

Then Dan pulls up and a minute later Jackie does. Apparently Darlene texted them, too.

Dan gets out of the car and literally stands on my side, so I pat his shoulder hello. He says, "I understand why Ben's here, but what's David gonna do with a tire, validate its feelings?"

Jackie stays in her car and yells, "Hey, Darlene, got your text. Looks like you got a big problem there. And a flat tire. Good luck!" Then she drives off, cackling.

"Dan, have you got a jack?" I ask.

"Of course," he says, like that's a stupid question.

"Then you don't need me. Darlene, I'll see you tomorrow at work."

She looks like she wants to kiss me but won't in front of her ex-husband. When Darlene tried to hurry me out of the house three weeks ago with a quick goodbye kiss, Dan walked in and teased, "You, Sir, have besmirched me daughter! Now you must marry her! And I accept your cold-cut dowry." So he would be fine with another kiss in front of him. But for the first time since she walked into the job interview and immediately started making suggestions for _Lock 'Em Up_, I don't want to kiss her.

"David, nice meeting you. Take it easy, Dan."

"You, too, Ben," Dan says, while David just nods.

Then I drive back to Chicago, alone with my thoughts, which are not good company. I wasn't so busy watching David's insecurities play out that I didn't notice the incredibly guilty expressions and behavior of his ex-wife. It wasn't just the awkwardness of the situation of her asking both her boyfriend and her ex for help. She also asked her dad and her aunt and, for all I know, her brother and sister. She clearly didn't expect everyone to show at once, especially not both me and David. In fact, she's been very careful to keep me and David from meeting each other.

Like that morning three weeks ago when I showed up with the deli platter. What if she was trying to keep me from running into David? What if he was somewhere in the house? Like upstairs in her bedroom.

I remember Jackie posing on the staircase like she was guarding it, even though I wasn't going to go up there, unless Darlene invited me of course. Jackie must know what's going on. She knows that Darlene has a "big problem," and I know that she and Darlene are close. Who else would Darlene confide in? Dan is clearly on my side and Becky's got her own shit to deal with right now. I think Jackie likes me, in fact she might even have a little crush on me, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't cover for her niece. Or, considering what this family is like, laugh at her dilemma.

I don't know if David knows, but he did seem at the least surprised that Darlene's boss showed up to help with her flat tire. Did she ever tell him that we're a couple? If so, does he think I'm her ex? I actually feel sorry for the guy, because he was as blind as I was, if not blinder.

I am quietly furious at Darlene, but tonight is not the time for confrontation. I'm not sure I'll even say anything to her at work tomorrow, not unless she says something, either another lie or the actual truth. I think it's the lying even more than the cheating that bothers me. I mean, David is her first love and they have a long, complicated history, including two kids. I can see how that could draw them back together. But why not be honest about it and break up with me? That would've hurt much less than this.

I wonder how long this has been going on. I don't think they were together when she and I first got together, but what about three months ago when I asked her to move to Chicago with me? Even at the time, I didn't really buy that she wanted to stay in Lanford for her dad's sake, and nothing I've seen since has shown that Dan would fall apart if she left. What if she's sticking around because of David?

But, yeah, I am pissed off about the cheating. I don't think it's just sex, which would be bad enough, but I think she still loves him. Why else cheat with her ex-husband? She could just have picked a random guy, or guys, with less drama and less chance of being caught. And not to brag, but I thoroughly sexually satisfy her, every time and as often as she wants. I'm less secure that I'm emotionally satisfying her. There must be something he gives her that I can't, or at least she thinks I can't. Whatever their bond is, time hasn't weakened it. And, yes, that does make me jealous, and angry.

When she set up the "stepfather test" with me giving Mark music lessons, I didn't tell her I was on to her from the beginning. I acted like I just wanted to help her talented kid, because I did, whatever other motives I had. This is a very different situation, but I will wait her out. And, yes, it's entirely possible that I'm just a paranoid idiot misreading an innocent situation. I'll continue to gather evidence and wait for her confession, or at least plausible explanation.


	14. Darlene eleven days into Season Two, Episode Four

I'm going to break up with David in an hour. There's still a part of me that doesn't want to hurt him, but it'll hurt him more if this goes on.

Yesterday was such a crappy day, even before things fell apart in the evening. The morning was OK, I mean as OK as mornings ever are lately. I slept alone Sunday night and got more sleep than usual.

Work was fine but it was just a half day. I had to meet with my grandmother and her lawyer and her accountant, because, yes, I agreed to manage her finances. In some ways, it's the last thing I need, taking on even more responsibility, but I also know I can handle it, because I've handled everything else. Still, I wasn't thrilled that the appointment was on a workday. And it wasn't worth it to drive to and from Chicago again, although I was tempted when Ben offered to cook for me an extra night. It wasn't about the food of course, not with my lack of appetite. But I wished I could freely be with him.

I told Ben I had to take care of something for my grandmother, but I didn't go into detail and he didn't ask. I guess there's no reason why I couldn't tell him. I mean, it's not as if he'd go running to tell Jackie. It's just, it would feel weird to share that secret and not be honest about my infidelity.

The meeting managed to be both stressful (Bev) and boring (lawyer and accountant), and it took longer than expected, so I had the feeling I'd be late getting home. I planned to say I had dinner at Ben's, no matter what crap Harris would give me.

And then I got a flat tire on I-90. I was able to get the car onto the access road, but the signal was weak out there in the middle of nowhere. I started sending texts, unsure if they'd reach anyone.

I wrote to my dad first. I knew he'd be able to change a tire, and he is still on some level my big strong daddy who will solve my problems if I let him. He's taught me how to change a tire, but I never carry a jack.

Jackie would have a jack, ex-trucker that she is. I texted her next, deciding I'd confess to her about the power of attorney if she was the one who showed up. She'd get mad but she'd forgive me, and maybe I could take her advice on how to advise Bev.

Then I texted David. He wouldn't be able to change a tire, but he could drive me to the nearest gas station and say sweet things. He's helped me get through much rougher times, like Harris's premature birth.

I hesitated and then I texted Ben. I didn't consciously realize it until Jackie later had me compare the texts, but the one to David was short and to the point, while I poured my heart out to Ben. Not that I told Ben about the cheating, or the power of attorney, but I told him how stressed I was and generally worried about the kids, and that I wanted to cuddle with him.

I considered texting Becky and D.J., but they've got kids and it would be harder for them to just drop everything and come to my aid. Plus, I was hoping Becky could look after my kids until I got home.

I didn't expect all four of my "rescuers" to show up, almost simultaneously, in the order of David, Ben, Dad, and Jackie. Not that Jackie stayed longer than the time it took to mock me, laugh maniacally, and drive off. Before that, I had to watch David try to prove his manhood by insisting he would be the one to change the tire. And I was so scared that he and Ben would find out about each other.

I think Ben was at least puzzled by my behavior and David's. He didn't say anything about it last night, not even in a text later, but he did leave abruptly. I understand him not wanting to kiss or even hug me goodbye in front of my ex-husband (or someone he thinks is my ex-husband anyway). But he didn't even act like he wanted to touch me. Not that he was hostile, or indifferent. He acted like my boss and platonic friend.

After Ben drove off, David said, "I guess I'll go check on the kids," which is what I asked him to do when Ben showed up.

"Thanks, David. Tell them I'll be home soon."

He nodded and patted my shoulder. He seemed too self-conscious to hug me in front of my dad, and of course kissing was out, which was probably just as well.

I expected Dad to say something about both David and Ben. Instead, he re-taught me how to change a tire, as if it was thirty years ago and I wasn't even old enough for a learner's permit.

When he was done, he said, "I'll be out in the garage when you get home. Holler if you need anything."

"Well, I'm heading home, too, so I might get there first."

"Oh, will you?" Dad challenged. Then, with surprising speed for a man his age, he ran across the road, hopped into his truck, and peeled out of there.

I was alone on an access road again, but at least no longer with a flat tire. I sighed and got back in my car.

I drove at the speed limit, not wanting to risk arrest or an accident. Unsurprisingly, Jackie beat me home, too. I was annoyed with her for her mockery, but I understood it and would've done the same. And she was still my sounding board, helping me to sort out my feelings about David and Ben. I've been afraid to stop trying with David. Even after I got what I have with Ben, I clung to the past, and my old dreams for the future. I still love David and I'll probably always love him, but that doesn't mean we're right for each other, especially at this point in our lives.

The important thing is we continue to work together to raise our children. And maybe he can figure out how to handle Harris better than I can. Well, I hope that she'll be easier to deal with once I tell David that I'm choosing Ben, but obviously there will be fallout with her.

And definitely there will be fallout with David. But Jackie suggested I break up with him in therapy. "That way, he has someone there to help him make sense of it."

I replied, "That is a great idea. They can pick up the pieces while I slip out the back."

I texted David, **Thanks for showing up tonight. I want to go to your next therapy session, if that's OK.**

He replied, **No problem. See you tomorrow at 4.**

I couldn't at all read his tone from the message, other than not recriminating or miserable. On the other hand, it wasn't exactly affectionate, which was understandable.

I thought about texting Ben but I decided to wait to talk to him the next day at work. I did read and reread his reply from a couple hours earlier: **Hey, Distressed and Distressing Damsel, your knight is on his way. I'll reshoe your steed and then we can gallop off into the sunset together. And you can take off my armor and rest your head on my chest.** He definitely wasn't that silly and romantic in person, not with David there.

When I went into work, he acted like nothing unusual had happened last night. He kissed me hello but it wasn't one of our might-lead-to-makeout kind of kisses, more like a married-twenty-years-with-no-drama kind of kiss. He asked about my car and I said it was fine, and he said, "That's good," and then he changed the subject to the next issue, of the magazine I mean, not of our relationship.

I did have to tell him, "Um, I'm taking your advice and getting some therapy."

"Good idea."

"Thanks. In fact, my first session is today, at four, so I'll have to leave early."

"That's fine. Now about the cover, I want to do something Halloween-ish, even though it's coming out in early November...."

When I left, he gave me another old-married kiss and said, "Let me know how it goes. In therapy."

I nodded and said, "I will."

I don't know what exactly I'm going to say to David. I'm not even sure if I'll bring Ben into it. I mean, David and I weren't right for each other before Ben, before Blue. Otherwise, Ben and Blue wouldn't have happened. Yes, David decided he didn't love Blue like he loved, loves me, and I have decided that Ben is meant to be the man I spend the rest of my life with, but if David and I really worked as a couple, we wouldn't have been searching for other kinds of relationships.

Of course, Harris is a ticking time bomb and if I break up with David without confessing that I never broke up with Ben, she's still going to blow things up, not just with David but probably with Ben. Also, if David sees that I'm involved with Ben after our breakup (David's and mine), he's going to figure out that I never stopped being with Ben this past month. If he hasn't already started to wonder after meeting Ben last night.

I feel rotten breaking up with David during couples therapy, when he thinks I'm finally willing to work on our issues. But in a weird sort of way, breaking up may be the healthiest thing I can do for our relationship, I mean as co-parents and I hope still friends.

We started out as friends and soon best friends. We were physically attracted, even if that attraction was initially based on fifteen-year-old hormones and crazy hair. He wanted to date me, and my family thought it was a good idea, and I guess I thought I'd lose him as a friend if we didn't, although I might if we did. We grew even closer, emotionally, physically, and geographically when my parents agreed to take him in during his parents' divorce. And yet, there was always this part of me that questioned it, maybe because he was Mark Healy's kid brother, or maybe because I didn't want to end up like Mom and Becky, married to my high school boyfriend and stuck in Lanford.

Yes, irony is my middle name. (Actually, it's Audrey, after my other grandmother, who was crazy in a less functional way than Bev.)


	15. David eleven days into Season Two, Episode Four

I've just walked out of Gaby's office and out of the most significant relationship of my life. Well, Darlene and I will always be connected, through our past and through our kids' future, but we'll never again be boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife.

I didn't realize until last night that I need to break up with her, for good. Yes, I've been thinking about it for awhile, but I've been afraid to stop trying with her.

When she texted me about a flat tire last night, I actually felt like it was a good thing. Out of all the people she could've turned to, including her father, who's very knowledgeable about cars and other vehicles, she chose me. I knew she wasn't asking me for my mechanical skills, but I figured it was because she loved me and needed me. I'd give her the ride to the gas station that she asked for, and maybe we could really talk, in a way we hadn't in a long time.

I was just finishing my shift when I got her text, so I didn't bother to go home and change. Traffic was really bad and I hoped she would be OK until I got there.

She was very glad to see me when I showed up, but it turned out that she'd sent out a bunch of texts because the signal was weak and she wasn't sure any were getting through, since she didn't get the replies. (I just wrote, **On my way! Love you!**, because I figured time was of the essence.)

We were about to leave for the nearest gas station, when another car pulled up. A big blond guy with a beard came over. He wasn't dressed like a Hell's Angel or anything, but I was still wary. I figured Darlene and I could take him if we teamed up.

Then she introduced me to Ben. Now I was wary in a different way, especially since they teamed up to blow me off. Ben had brought a jack to change the tire, and Darlene wanted me to go check on the kids.

She was dismissing me, in more than one sense. I got defensive, as usual, but it was worse this time because I made a fool of myself in front of her boss, and ex-boyfriend. I insisted I be the one to change the tire, although Dan showed up before I actually tried. Darlene called me "a strong, smart man" and said I didn't have to prove anything, but I knew that was a better description of Ben. Not that he's necessarily smarter, except about things that my brother knew and Dan knows, but he's probably physically stronger. And I tried to bluff my way through but the instructional video I pulled up on my phone played too loudly and I had to close it.

Then Dan mocked me when he arrived, saying, "I understand why Ben's here, but what's David gonna do with a tire, validate its feelings?" Even though I know from therapy to consider where that was coming from, including Dan's old defensiveness about being someone who works with his hands, like my brother (although Trader Joe's isn't exactly the "intellectual elite"), it still added to my humiliation last night.

Jackie drove by and made a wisecrack about Darlene's "big problem," and then Ben said goodbye, leaving the flat tire in Dan's hands.

So I figured I may as well go check on the kids, like Darlene asked. It was less awkward with Ben gone, but still pretty awkward, and anyway, they're my kids, too.

By the time I got to Dan's house, Jackie was in the kitchen. She doesn't live there, but she's always spent a lot of time visiting, maybe even more now that Roseanne is gone and Bev, who's broke, moved in with Jackie. She said the kids were both up in their room.

I thought about going up and saying hi but I just didn't feel like it because of the weirdness with their mother. They're both bright kids and they'd probably pick up on something of my mixed feelings. In fact, there have been times this month when I've wondered if they, especially Harris, suspect that Darlene and I are, I mean were, involved. I do want to talk to them about that, even though it's now over, because I think we should be honest with them, in an age-appropriate way of course.

But not last night, while I was still sorting out my feelings about Darlene. I said goodnight to Jackie and headed home.

I don't think it was really until the therapy session started that I said to myself, while saying it out loud to Gaby, "I need to break up with Darlene." Then I quickly told my therapist what happened last night and how it made me feel. "...And it's not as if she's still involved with Ben, where it would make sense that she would turn to him. I'm supposed to be her partner, but she doesn't treat me like one."

Gaby nodded and asked, "Do you think she'll show up this time?"

I really didn't know. Darlene did bring therapy up herself this time, but she was already pretty late.

Then my phone chimed. I read the text aloud: **Sorry I'm late. Traffic really bad. Finding parking.**

"Are you going to tell her in the session?"

I nodded. "It'll be easier with you here."

A couple minutes later, Darlene knocked.

Gaby got up to let her in and told me, "Remember, breakups don't have to be ugly. This is part of growth, for both of you."

I nodded and tried to gather my thoughts as Gaby opened the door. I hoped that Darlene wouldn't dismiss what I had to say, but if she did, that would prove that she's not ready to give me the partnership I need and deserve.

I also hoped that I wouldn't start crying. Not just because she would see that as a sign as weakness but because I knew it would be harder to talk if I was crying. I wanted to keep calm but open to whatever she had to say.

She wanted to go first, but I'm learning to assert myself when necessary. Not like with wanting to change her flat tire, but times like this when it's about what's good for both of us.

I told her gently but directly that I was breaking up with her and why. She mostly didn't interrupt, although when I said I need to be heard, she said, "I heard you."

I told her, "I don't think you've heard me since I was 15." I was thinking about a time that came up in therapy last week, where I tried to get her to listen to me about how she had all the power in the relationship and I had nothing. She didn't argue about that, but she also didn't see anything wrong with it. And that was all the self-assertion I could manage back then.

She now apologized for not making it work, but she also recognized that it was, is over for good. And she was the one who was crying.

I wished I could give her a hug, but I knew I would fall apart if I did. As it was, I had to turn over the rest of the session to her, so that Gaby could deal with Darlene's messy emotions. I know that I'd sort of blindsided Darlene, and I'm sorry for that, but I think on some level, she knew this wasn't working, because she didn't argue that I was wrong to break up with her.

There's part of me that wonders what she'll say to Gaby, if she'll just joke as a defense and refuse to be vulnerable. Or maybe she'll find, as I did, that sometimes it's easier to open up to a stranger. For my own sake, I need to start getting some distance from Darlene.

I don't live that far from Gaby's office and now I'm sitting in my own driveway, letting the tears finally fall. I don't have to go back to work until tomorrow, which is the day before Halloween. I don't know if I'll dress up on Thursday, but we're not allowed to wear masks at Trader Joe's. That's OK, I'm tired of hiding parts of myself.


	16. Ben twelve days into Season Two, Episode Four

Thirteen reasons why I'm breaking up with you (not in order of importance)

1\. You lied to me about staying in Lanford for your father. Dan is a rock holding your family together, and he seems unlikely to fall apart if you moved away.  
2\. In any case, Chicago is not the other end of the world. You could help your family in case of emergency. And, as Monday night proved, they are willing to travel some distance when you have an emergency.  
3\. Your ex-husband also is willing to help out in an emergency. Now, don't get me wrong. I've dated divorced women before, and I have no problem with you having been married. I do, however, have a problem with him acting like he's not exactly your ex, and treating me like a rival.  
4\. However, I have much less of a problem with David than I do with you. For all I know, he has no idea what you've been up to, and is as innocent a party as I've been, maybe even more innocent, since my impression is that he's less cynical than I am. This makes what you've done at least twice as bad.  
5\. For a long time, I thought you were just stressed out. Your commute is rough and there's a lot of drama in your family, especially with your sister. I felt sorry for you and didn't understand why you wouldn't lean on me more.  
6\. Your behavior got even stranger this month, especially the morning that I showed up to surprise you. I made excuses for it, ignoring what now seems to be the most obvious explanation.  
7\. Attached is the cover photo for the December 2018 edition of _Lock 'Em Up_. As you'll recall, we called that issue "Snowfall," your rather poetic choice that I went along with because I was deeply infatuated with and newly sexually satisfied by you. The gentleman in the photograph, as you may also remember, was discovered to be using his anus as a storage facility for approximately ten pounds of cocaine. Had I taken your picture with my phone upon my Monday night arrival at the access road by the 70-mile marker on I-90, you would've greatly resembled the man with coke up his ass.  
8\. I can see how the situation might've been awkward, two men you've been involved with in the past, now meeting unexpectedly. But it felt beyond awkward. It felt like your two current lovers were meeting for the first time, without anyone acknowledging that.  
9\. You cheated on me, while claiming to love me. This despite the fact that we had a very good sex life and/or love life.  
10\. You cheated with, and I guess on, your ex-husband, at a time I couldn't understand why you not only wouldn't move to Chicago with me, but also were emotionally distancing yourself from me.  
11\. While I'm aware that we were rushing into things in the early months of our relationship, and my invitation to you and your children to move in with was perhaps premature, it was nonetheless sincere. I wanted to plan a future with you, but you couldn't give up your past.  
12\. When I first met you, you seemed to have an obnoxious kind of integrity. Either I'm a lousy judge of character, or you've changed these last few months.  
13\. Even though I've been on to you since Monday night, you continue to lie to me, as when you claimed to have a therapy appointment yesterday afternoon. I actually do think therapy would do you good, but you would have to be honest for it work. I don't think you're even ready to tell yourself the truth. And if you ever are honest with me again, it will be too little too late.

(I hear your footsteps down the hall, a sound that used to thrill me, but now it feels me with dread. I'd fire you if I could, but unfortunately I need you as an editor far more than I need you as a girlfriend.)

...And that's why I'm breaking up with you.

{Shit, I just noticed that typo, "feels" instead of "fills." I guess that proves getting romantically involved with my irreplaceable employee was a serious miscalculation on my part.}


	17. Darlene during Season Two, Episode Five

In the last couple of days, I've lost both my boyfriends, pissed off my sister and my aunt, disappointed my father, and continued to be on bad terms with my daughter. On the bright side, my grandmother thinks we're besties.

When I went to the therapy appointment, late because of traffic, I planned to dump David as gently as possible. Instead, he dumped me. Being David, he did it so gently that it was like being set down on a bed of fluffy pillows, but I still cried. And it was the newly assertive David who dumped me, one who insisted, gently, on talking first.

Or maybe it wasn't entirely new. He told me I haven't heard him since he was fifteen, and a couple minutes later I remembered a time he tried to stand up for himself but I kept watching TV. He was trying to get me to make plans, and I just wanted to vege. He said it seemed like I had all the power in the relationship and he had none. I agreed with him, but I didn't see it as a problem.

It was never totally true. David learned that day that it didn't work to ask me for things directly. So he learned how to manipulate me. It didn't always work, but he was able to guilt-trip and whine and be passive-aggressive until he got his way at least some of the time. He wanted sex and we had sex, although it was months later and on my terms. He didn't want me to go to the Chicago art school without him, so at first I wasn't going to go, and then when Mom talked me into attending, I figured out how David could secretly move in with me. And I didn't want to get pregnant again after my miscarriage, but David kept saying what great parents we would be, until I gave in years later, and then I ended up being a much more devoted parent than he was, which no one saw coming.

He left the therapist's office, despite having said he wanted to hear what I had to say, but he turned over the rest of the session to me. At first I couldn't say anything. I just cried into the therapist's Kleenex.

"I take it this surprised you."

I nodded and sniffled.

"But maybe on some level didn't surprise you?"

"You're good," I said, stifling a sob.

"That's why I make the big bucks," she gently joked.

"Uh, about that. David said you charge on the sliding scale, but how much are we talking here?"

"He paid for today and I don't think he'll expect you to pay for your share."

"Great, now I won't have to dip into my alimony."

"David said you haven't signed the divorce papers yet."

I sighed. "A part of me still believed we could work things out."

"Even when you were seeing your employer?"

I looked at her and wondered how much she knew, and more importantly, how much David knew. "Well, David and I were separated and he was living with another woman when I met Ben."

She nodded and said, "It's understandable that you would want to try to move on, whatever lingering feelings you had for David."

"Look, I'm going to be direct with you because I assume confidentiality applies here, even though you're treating my, yes, not yet technically ex-husband. Plus, I don't have a lot of people I can afford to be completely honest with right now. I was dating both David and Ben this month, but I was planning to break up with David today. Except he went first."

She nodded again. "So now he doesn't have to know you never broke up with Ben."

"Uh, yeah, do you think I should tell David?"

"That's not for me to say. But I promise I won't reveal anything you say here."

"Thank you." I took a deep breath. "At this point, I feel like he and I wouldn't have worked out, I mean not as a permanent thing, even if I hadn't met Ben. And David recognizes that. I'm sorry I cheated on David, on both of them, but I'll figure out how to make amends to both of them. But I need to tell Ben before David."

"And why is that?"

"Because Ben is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"And if Ben forgives you, then you'll tell David?"

"I think I'll have to. Especially since our daughter is blackmailing me."

Then I ended up spending the rest of the session talking about the history of my difficult relationships with my daughter and my mother, which isn't what I came there for, but what the heck, as long as David was buying.

Even though we didn't spend any more time on my relationship with Ben, I did realize that I needed to be direct with him. So when I went in to work the next morning, I just said it straight out that I've been seeing David this month and I know it was stupid and I'll do what I can to make things right with Ben. However, it turned out that he's known since Monday night because of how guilty I looked when Ben showed up to help with my flat tire and David was there. Ben was really angry yesterday, but in this quiet way that was scary to me, coming from a family where people mostly just yell their feelings.

He's not firing me, which is small comfort. At least I won't be broke, just broken.

Things were understandably tense at the Lock 'Em Up office yesterday and today. Ben has been more critical of my work, although he thinks he's being professional. I can't really blame him. If he'd cheated on me, I'd be devastated.

I've spent a lot of time crying when I'm not at work. Knowing that I'm to blame definitely doesn't help.

And it's Halloween. Obviously, I didn't go to any parties tonight. I mean, who would I have taken as a date?

I had borrowed a La Casa Bonita waitress uniform from Louise, who is still being a good friend (but I don't think more than that) to Dad. Nancy let me choose one of her blonde wigs. Then I just had to grab a beer bottle out of the fridge and my costume was done: Becky before the baby. It was good enough to hand out candy with Dad, who was Ripped Van Winkle. In between trick-or-treaters, I online-shopped forgive-me gifts for Ben.

My dad and I had talked when I came home from work early. I confessed to him about my now exploded triangle and he said that he thinks Ben still loves me but I hurt him. After the last of the trick-or-treaters left, around nine, Dad told me that I need to find a way to show Ben that he's the only man in my life. So I got my ass off the couch, found the divorce papers, changed out of my Becky 2018 costume, and drove to Chicago.

I didn't text Ben because I didn't want him to refuse to see me. I decided to try the office first, because it's more neutral territory than his apartment, and I know that he likes to work late on the last day of the month, which this is. God, what a long month! It was actually the 1st when I made out with David and confessed to Jackie about that, and I honestly didn't expect things to drag out almost to Halloween. And even though my triangle is over, I'm not giving up on Ben.

However, my "trick or treat" at the LEU office did not go well, although I didn't literally get an apple with a razor blade in it. When Ben found out I was actually married the entire time we were together, he was pissed. And hearing I planned to dump David at couples therapy didn't help, especially since David dumped me first, which made Ben say, "So, you didn't choose me. You were left with me."

I joked, "What if I kill David as a romantic gesture?"

He shook his head. "Just go, Darlene."

So I went, with the signed divorce papers. I don't regret finally moving forward with the divorce. I at last see that there is no reason to keep trying with David, not as a couple, even if I've also lost Ben. I am going to keep trying with Ben. Not that I'm going to push him of course. I'll give him time to heal, and myself time to make amends, somehow.

Meanwhile, I've got other people whose forgiveness I need, but it's a different situation and I don't think I'm entirely wrong, unlike the triangle. Grandma Bev broke her promise and told Jackie and Becky about my power of attorney. I'm sorry I kept that from them, especially Jackie, but I meant well. And now Jackie and Becky have some crazy idea to restart the Lunch Box, and they wanted me to give my OK, after this long, crazy day, and long, crazy month, I've had. I mean, it was bad enough I had to drive to and from Chicago again, at night. I told them I wasn't going to make a decision while I was half-asleep and being pressured.

And then Grandma showed up with a suitcase, because Jackie had kicked her out. Jackie stormed out and Becky went back to the basement. And I was left alone with my crazy grandmother, until she had me go get blankets and pillows for her to sleep on the couch.

I don't know what to do about any of this, but I have the feeling that November isn't going to be any easier.


	18. David during Season Two, Episode Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting didn't quite work on this, but David's texts are supposed to be in bold and his kids' in italics.

It's a Saturday when I don't have to work and, even though it's not my weekend with the kids, I've spent part of today texting with them. First Mark:  
_Hey, Dad, is there any chance you're coming over for Thanksgiving this year?_  
**I think that would be a little awkward, with your mom filing for divorce.**  
_You're still part of the Conner family._  
**Thanks, but it's not like I'm into the turkey and everything. And it's not like your mom invited me.**  
_I just feel sad, thinking of you all alone at Thanksgiving._  
**You're sweet but I won't be alone.**  
_You're not back with 💙, are you?_  
**No, no. Do you remember your Aunt Lisa?**  
_I don't think I ever met her._  
**She's the older of my two little sisters. When my parents got divorced, they went with my dad, but I moved in with the Conners.**  
_I remember that part._  
**Well, Lisa is 35 now and lives in Milwaukee. I found her on social media because I've been talking about my family, I mean my parents and my siblings, a lot in therapy.**  
_I'm so proud of you, Dad! 😊_  
**Thanks! Anyway, she's invited me to spend the Thanksgiving weekend with her family.**  
_How 🆒! Do I have cousins on that side?_  
**Yeah, Lisa has two kids that are younger than you. And my youngest sister, Nikki, is 32 and pregnant for the first time.**  
_👨👨👦👦👨👨👦 Will I get to meet them someday?_  
**I hope so. This will be the first time I've seen my sisters in over 25 years.**  
_I'm so happy for you! And sad at the same time. Does that make sense?_  
**Of course and thank you.**  
_YW. Will you still be in town Wednesday afternoon?__  
**Yeah, I have to work until 5.**  
_Can I stop by after school? I want to give you something I made._  
**Of course. What is it?**  
_Well, it was going to be a surprise, but OK._  
_(Then he sent me a picture of a bunch of turkey place-settings.)__  
**Wow, these are great!**  
_Thanks, but I'm still working on them. Like, I haven't decided whether to give Aunt Jackie a trucker cap or a 🐱🎩._  
**How about a trucker cap that says, "IMPEACH TRUMP"?**  
_I'll put, "DUMP TRUMP," since it's shorter and rhymes._  
**But mine is more timely. Then again, it's your artwork.**  
_Can you tell which one is you?___  
**Of course. The one with the curly brown hair, light beard, denim jacket, and chalk in its claw.**  
_Right!_  
**Is the one with Doc Martens and a bad attitude your mom?**  
_No, Mom is the executioner-turkey._  
**Of course.**  
_That one was for Harris's bestie Odessa, but Grandpa says she's not coming to Thanksgiving after all._  
**Oh, poor Harris.**  
_Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to work on Lil Bev's turkey now._  
**A turkey chick?**  
_OMG, that would be so cute! Thanks, Dad!_  
**YW. See you Wednesday.**  
_Hugs!_  
**Hugs!**  
My exchange with Harris was shorter and less affectionate:  
_Hey, Dad, can Odessa and I come over to your place for Thanksgiving?_  
**I'm sorry, but I'm going to be out of town.**  
_Well, then can we go with you? Or at least can I?_  
**Don't you want to spend the holidays at your grandfather's?**  
_No, he won't let Odessa come over anymore, and Mom is on his side._  
**I'm sorry, Rissy.**  
_Can she still come over to your house? I mean when you are in town._  
**Of course, I have no problem with her. But I can't do anything about changing your grandpa's mind.**  
_I know. It's just I'm so lonely and trapped in Lanford. I want to move back to Chicago._  
**I know it's hard but you'll be eighteen in a year, and you can live anywhere you want.**  
_That feels so long from now!_  
**I'm sorry. But I do think you should be with your mom's family for Thanksgiving. I'm going to see my sisters for the first time since they were little and I really regret the time I lost with them.**  
_Missing one Conner gorgefest isn't the same._  
**No, it's not.**  
_That is cool though that you're going to see Lisa and Nikki again. I remember you showing me pictures of all of you when you were kids._  
**Yeah.**  
_Do you still miss Uncle Mark?_  
**Of course. I think about him a lot this time of year, especially because he died in the Fall.**  
_Yeah. I remember._  
**Thirteen years now.**  
_Yeah. Anyway, I'm meeting Odessa in five minutes so I've GTG._  
**OK, see you weekend after next.**  
_See ya!_  
I turned off my phone and let the tears fall, looking forward to my next session with Gaby.


	19. Ben during Season Two, Episode Seven

Thursday, November 28, 2019

  


Dear Darlene,

I don't know why I'm writing to you. It's not like I'm going to send this. But I'm going to pretend for a few minutes that you didn't lie to and cheat on me, that we're still as close as we were before I asked you and your kids to move in with me.

I'm home for the holidays, in Dallas, at my folks' house. My dad is a little older than your dad but retired now. My mom has always been "just a homemaker" as she calls it, and she says she's thrilled to have "all the boys" and their families to cook for again.

I never talked much about my family when you and I were dating, partly because yours is so dramatic and present and mine is far away and drama-free, and partly because I don't really talk about myself much, even to someone I love, loved.

So here goes. My parents are Leonard and Penny Swenson. My older brother, Glenn, is 45 and has two sons, Dennis and Henry. My younger brother Kenny is 39 and single. My dad's younger sister, my crazy Aunt Jenny, and her daughter, my cousin Wren, also came over for Thanksgiving.

OK, I made up those names. To be honest, it feels weird writing about my family when we never talked about them much. You never really asked, but I think I also was hesitant to share information about myself. Maybe it was that I tend not to talk about myself much anyway, but maybe it was that on some gut level I knew that you weren't being completely honest with me. At one point, I joked that you didn't know whether or not I was married because you barely knew me. Then it turns out that you were married all this time.

You committed adultery. Now, I'm not entirely judgmental, despite running what you consider a "judgy" magazine. My parents, who are currently tripped out on tryptophan in front of the television, are good Christians, but I recognize that life can be messy and complicated. There are times when I can understand cheating, like if your spouse is imprisoned for several years. (See the March issue of _Lock 'Em Up_ for examples.) But it wasn't like you told me you were married and let me make a decision about whether you would cheat on your admittedly estranged husband. You made me an unknowing and unwilling accomplice to your crime.

And you did the same to David, when you cheated on me. Not that you and I were married, but I thought we were in a committed, exclusive relationship, and I at least was planning for a future with you. If that wasn't what you wanted, if I was moving too fast, or too seriously, you should've spoken up, especially since you're not exactly shy about giving your opinion otherwise. Even if you didn't want the same kind of relationship I wanted, you should've respected that I was devoted to you body and soul, and tried to keep my respect.

I now have more respect for Becky than I do for you. She slept around but she never let Emilio and the other guys think it was more than fun, until I guess the end when, from what you told me, she was growing fond of Emilio. She never made promises she couldn't keep. You, on the other hand, lied and cheated in two simultaneous serious relationships.

I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you didn't physically cheat until October, but clearly you were keeping David as a fallback all along, as he apparently was keeping you as one while actually living with someone else. It may not have been conscious for either of you, but whatever your bond is, it is still strong after all this time, maybe even after he dumped you and you finally filed the divorce papers. (I assume they're filed by now, unless you just signed them in front of me for show.)

I've said or written a lot of this before. But what I haven't told you, in person, on the phone, or in email, text, or snail mail, is that I still love you. I can't just shut off my feelings, or forget the good times. That doesn't mean I want you back. Unlike you and David, I don't spend decades trying to make an unworkable relationship work. I can love you and still know that you're bad for me, or at least you are now that I know more about you, that your moral superiority is a sham, and you're at least as screwed up as any other woman I've dated. I can recognize that you're beautiful, sexy, brilliant, and witty, while also seeing you as a cheating hypocrite.

And I guess I miss you. I'm glad to get a break from sitting in that office that is so tense, and not with the fun sexual tension of last Fall. But I keep thinking about you while I'm in this place you've never been and probably never will be but that I once hoped to bring you to.

I miss your kids, too, yes, even Harris. I know that David is trying to be a better father these days (if that wasn't just a ploy to win you back), but I think I would've been a good almost-stepdad. I would've held your kids accountable and been present, maybe even if you and I got divorced someday, too. But you made your choices, to not move in with me, to cheat on me, and we have to live with those choices instead of with each other, except forty hours every week, not counting holidays.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good, relatively drama-free Thanksgiving. And maybe by Christmas, we can start to become friends again. Otherwise, the Secret Santa Exchange is gonna suck.

  
Take care,  
Ben


	20. Darlene during Season Two, Episode Eight

I keep flashing back to almost twenty-seven years ago, when I told my dad, "You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars." But this time I'm waiting for my ex-boyfriend to bail me out. Dad is older now and needs his sleep, so he can't repay the favor.

November ended up being as rough a month as October, although for different reasons. My triangle is definitely over but I'm still dealing with the fallout. David has moved on and we're sort of back to where we were a year ago, minus Blue and plus therapy. (Well, therapy for him. Gaby encouraged me to seek more therapy, but I'm used to working things out by myself or with my family. After all, my aunt is formerly Lanford's number one life coach.)

As for Ben, well, it's complicated. After a couple weeks, he stopped making pointed remarks at work and just treated me as an employee. We both acted as if we'd never been seriously romantically involved. Until last night, but I'll get to that.

Most of the drama this past month or so has been centered around the Lunch Box. I was very hesitant to let Jackie and Becky restart it, especially when I got an offer from a franchise. Most small businesses fail, especially in Lanford and at that location. It would be a double loss, the loss of Grandma Bev's inheritance and the loss of my aunt and sister's dream. I felt like I had to be the final decision-maker, because I have power of attorney and because Becky told me after Mom died, "You're the obvious choice to take over for Mom. You already live here, and you're a scary, little tyrant."

But it turned out that no one really cared about the inheritance and I was tired of being the killjoy. Not to mention that Jackie and I got into a vicious argument and she slapped me. She apologized, we both did, but I didn't see the point in arguing anymore. So I gave in.

And now it turns out that the building has mold. According to the text Jackie sent me when I was driving away from Odessa's (definitely more on that), the mold isn't toxic. Unfortunately, even with Dad cutting them a deal, Jackie and Becky can't afford the repairs, on top of the planned expenses. Jackie wants to give up on the restaurant. I feel bad for them and don't feel like saying I told you so, but part of me is relieved. It's not too late to accept the offer from Doctor Drumstick, although I'll wait till Monday before I call. And now nobody can blame me.

Harris came to my defense on Thanksgiving. She told Jackie, "Don't you ever touch my mother!" She left for Odessa's that night, tired of the family drama. I told her she could go for the night but we'd talk things out in the morning. I didn't get to talk to her for over a week, until tonight.

I didn't tell David right away. He was spending the weekend at his sister's in Milwaukee and I didn't want him to worry. Or to think I'm a bad mother, although he lost all right to judge my parenting when he ran off when Harris was four. When I did text him, mostly to see if he'd heard anything, he said we should just give her some space, which wasn't particularly helpful.

I told Ben at work on Monday. I braced myself for his judgement, but he just said, "That's rough."

I kept calling and texting Harris all week. I didn't know where Odessa lived, and it was only last week that I found out she no longer lives with her parents, who are serving a five-year sentence, unless she just said that for shock value.

By tonight, I was feeling desperate. I even washed Harris's comforter, although Mom had always told me that was impossible. I managed to stuff it into the washer and then the dryer. When I took it out, it smelled fresh and new, which I hoped was a good sign.

When someone knocked around ten tonight, I knew it wouldn't be Harris or Odessa, but maybe it would be someone with news of them. Instead I opened the door to Ben, because he'd driven all the way from Chicago to bring me my tablet. I'd promised to do some editing over the weekend, but I've been so distracted lately, I guess I spaced and left it in the office. And maybe Ben was just being a boss, I mean an employer, wanting to make sure I wouldn't slack off, but he could've had me drive back to Chicago to get it.

I asked, "Why are you suddenly being so nice?"

"You cheated on me. I've always been nice."

"Oh, you're still not over that? That was, like, two weeks ago. I'm already remarried."

"Too soon to laugh."

But he'd already hung up his scarf and coat without me inviting him to stay awhile. And he asked about Harris, so I told him there was still no news. Then Mark helped me find Odessa on Instagram. It turns out she's living with some random guy in his 20s. I got even more worried, but at least now I had a street address.

I wanted to head right over there. But Mark suddenly wanted my help with a school project. I figured saving Harris was more urgent. With any luck, I'd be home in an hour or less, and Harris and I could both help Mark.

It was not a good neighborhood. Not that there are any great neighborhoods in Lanford, but there are degrees of poverty. And Odessa's neighborhood wasn't just poor but sketchy, like meth-addict sketchy. I was starting to question my decision to go there alone, but I didn't feel like going to get backup.

I gathered my courage, and not just because of muggers. I wasn't scared of Odessa, or even of her bearded 25-year-old housemate. I was scared of Harris. Not that I expected her to hit me, especially considering her reaction to Jackie's slap. I knew she had in full the matrilineal inheritance of the ability to skewer people with painful truths. And, yes, I could've fought back, but I didn't want to hurt Harris. She was one of my babies.

I had no idea what to say to her, because I had no idea what she was going to say. I had the feeling I wouldn't be able to talk her into coming home, not tonight anyway. But if I could at least talk with her and see that she was all right, maybe I could finally get a good night's sleep.

I got out of the car and made sure to lock it. I knew someone could still break in and steal what was inside or even the car itself, but I didn't want to make it easy for them. This time I wouldn't text everyone. Maybe David, since she's his daughter, too, and he should share some of the worry.

I went into the apartment building. No security code or doorman, just a passed-out homeless man seeking shelter from December. I stepped carefully over him and headed upstairs.

Odessa included her apartment number on her social media. She'd been hiding in plain sight all this time, if I'd just known where to look. I found Apartment C and knocked. Odessa answered but she said Harris didn't want to talk to me. I couldn't tell if she was being a protective friend or if she was controlling Harris, like in a cult, cutting her off from her family. Either way, I couldn't talk or muscle my way in. (I forget sometimes how physically weak I am. I've gotten through life with a tough, intimidating attitude, but Odessa is literally and figuratively not easily moved.)

I ended up slumped on the floor outside her re-locked door. I felt so drained by everything, especially the last couple months. Eventually, I pried myself off the floor and made my way back down to the lobby. I hesitated and then took out a $20 bill and tucked it into the unzipped side pocket of the backpack the homeless man was using as a pillow. I figured I was saving more than that on food money for Harris, and I hoped it would help this guy a little. He smiled in his sleep, but maybe he was just having a nice dream.

I went back out to the car and just sat there for a couple minutes, before I realized I really could not hang out in this neighborhood much longer. I started the car and drove off. I found myself heading to David's. We needed to talk about this. I understand that he's used to being passive, and maybe he feels like he has no right to tell her what to do after all this time. But I need his support. We are still co-parents and we were successfully a united front when Mark's PDA got him in trouble and lost him a friend, although Mark definitely wasn't at fault.

I don't know what I expected David to do. He wouldn't be able to intimidate Odessa if I couldn't. But maybe he could get Harris to talk to him, since she seems to have a lot more issues with me and my side of the family than she does with David. As far as I know, he and Harris are on good terms these days. If necessary, I'd send him on his own, but I could wait out in the car, in case he could get her to agree to talk to me.

David wasn't home. I didn't know what to say when Royal told me, "He's out on a date."

"It's not with, I mean, never mind. It's none of my business."

He gave me a pitying look. "Not Blue. It's a first date and I haven't met her yet."

"Oh. Well, good for him." I meant it. It was good that he was moving on. It did feel sudden, but it'd been over a month since he dumped me, and I'd fallen into bed with Neil the same week (maybe the same day) that David told me Blue was his soulmate.

"You wanna watch a movie while you wait?"

I knew I should go. It would be really awkward if David came home with his date, and his almost-ex-wife was sitting on the couch wanting to talk about their daughter. But I felt like it was important to bring him into this crisis, and I may as well pass the time at his place as at mine. Plus, it would be a lot less awkward than any situation involving Blue. "Uh, what movie?"

_"Super Size Me 2: Holy Chicken."_

Somehow that seemed appropriate, to watch a sequel to a documentary about the dangers of fast food.

That killed an hour and a half but it was almost midnight by then and I felt like I should head home. When Royal offered to let me pick the next movie, I said, "Thanks. But I should go. Can you ask David to call me tomorrow?"

He nodded and we said goodnight. I figured Mark would be asleep by the time I got in, but we could work on his project the next day. I definitely didn't expect him to be working on his project, a movie about the Ice Age, with Ben. If I'd thought about it, I would've guessed that my dad had offered Ben some coffee for the road and Ben was back in Chicago by then.

Ben is such a good person, too good for me, especially after the way I treated him. He genuinely cares about my son, and he isn't letting my infidelity get in the way of still helping Mark.

Not only that, but he drove me back to Odessa's neighborhood. He stayed with me as I waited a couple hours for the cops to show up. I wished I could hold one of his big, warm hands, but it felt like too much to ask.

It was just one cop, a policewoman, who told me that, yes, she could go in because Harris is a minor, but Harris would probably just run away again, maybe somewhere less traceable. I felt so helpless and desperate. So I yelled up at Odessa's window, begging Harris to just give me a sign she was OK. The cop came back and gave me a warning about disturbing the peace.

Ben said I was just getting it out of my system and I'd behave now. He thought we should go, but I knew I couldn't leave without hearing from or at least about my daughter. He offered to bail me out and I knew it wasn't a joke. So I yelled for Harris again and the cop cuffed me.

I did get to see Harris for a minute before I was taken away in the police car. She came downstairs and asked me to text her when I got out of "the big house." She looked clean and healthy. And as Ben had pointed out, she must still be attending classes, because the school hasn't called about her.

And now I'm sitting in a jail cell at three in the morning. They don't accept cards and Ben didn't have his checkbook on him, so he had to go looking for an ATM.

The policewoman comes over and unlocks the cell door. "Your boyfriend's waiting to drive you home."

I don't want to explain that Ben is my ex and just a friend now. I just nod.


	21. Ben two hours into Season Two, Episode Nine

"...And you can imagine Harris's reaction to 'Santa on Santa action.' "

"I can, but tell me anyway." I don't want to admit how much I love hearing Darlene's crazy family stories. She thinks it's just that I'm a sweet, noble guy who's willing to forget the recent past enough to listen to her problems again, but it's not just that. I mean, I guess I'm sweet and noble and I am willing to move on to this extent, for the sake of the friendship that was the bottom layer of our whirlwind romance. But I also just find her life entertaining, and more interesting than my own.

"She texted back three puke emojis."

"I was expecting something wittier, but that does get points for brevity."

"Yeah. Anyway, she says she'll come home for Christmas Eve but she's spending Christmas Day with David, and the rest of her Winter Break back at Odessa's."

"But she's still going to school?"

"Yeah. So that's something."

"Great." I glance at the clock on the wall.

"Oh, that's right. You've got that meeting with the corporate overlords upstairs, huh?"

"Yeah, and then the meeting with the corporate underlords downstairs at noon."

She chuckles. "Well, have fun sticking it to the Man."

"Actually, the head overlord is a woman."

"That would make her an overlady."

"And I'd be sticking it to the Woman."

"Even more fun for you."

Then we both get self-conscious, like the time she asked, "Oh, so that's what you're attracted to? Blondes with most of their teeth?" and I replied, "I think you know exactly the kind of woman I'm attracted to." That was right before we got together, while now we're living in a time after we were together, and this is harder, or at least less fun.

"I should go."

"OK. Um, can you ask them if we can have a new coffee-maker?"

"I told you I'm willing to make runs for you to Cup O' Mud again."

"Thanks, but I'd like to make a lousy cup of coffee in the office again."

"Your coffee is lousy."

"Go, before they dock you for tardiness."

I go, without telling her that I'm not going to ask them for anything. As my dad would say, this ain't my first rodeo, and I've had a feeling for the past couple weeks where this is heading. I haven't said anything about it to Darlene, because as usual she's got enough on her plate, and it's not like it's just my problem. She's been so stressed about Harris leaving home to live with a friend, and about her aunt and sister restarting the family's old restaurant (which was before my time in Lanford, although I did go to the Chinese place a few times). I haven't wanted her to worry about this until I know anything definite, which I should find out at this meeting, what with the fiscal and calendar year coming to an end in a few weeks.

I think about taking the stairs, since it's only two flights up, but I head for the elevator. I'm not in a hurry to do this, but on the other hand, I don't want to show up late and sweaty.

The meeting is in the boardroom and the receptionist escorts me in, like I couldn't find it on my own. I find myself remembering the old _LEU_ offices in Lanford, and the day Darlene came in to apply for the job and said she didn't see a receptionist in the outer office, so I said, "People kept mistaking us for _The New York Times,_ so I had to let her go."

There are more people in this room than there were in that entire building in Lanford. (Which meant less chance of being overheard during both rounds of sex on a desk with Darlene, and I really should not be thinking about that right now.) In a way, I'd prefer a quick execution with no witnesses, but I can do this.

After I'm seated and some flunky pours me a glass of imported water straight from the bottle (nothing I've heard of or can pronounce), and I thank him and notice that he's better-dressed than I am, the meeting begins. They've got a fancy multimedia presentation on American Consumer Magazines, and I find my mind wandering to when Darlene and I watched _Being John Malkovich_ together. We'd seen it separately before, including at the time, but it appeals to our shared twisted sense of humor. Our favorite part is actually the little training film about the seventh-and-a-half floor of the office building, because it's a great parody of '70s informational films, like the kind they were still showing at our respective high schools in the '90s (and according to Harris, are still showing in Lanford on the cusp of the 2020s). The production values on what my mom would call "this dog and pony shitshow" are much, much higher, but it's the same B.S. about how wonderful a particular workplace is. Why they're trying to convince me of that on what is looking like my last day at ACM is something that probably only makes sense in corporate logic.

When they get to the part about finances, I have to bite my tongue to keep from quoting, "After all, the overhead is low" from _Being JM_. I wish Darlene were sitting next to me and we could riff together, although that would probably get us both fired, and I'm trying to avoid that this morning.

I pretend to take notes on the complimentary ACM stationery with the complimentary ACM pen. I hope to smuggle them out of the meeting as souvenirs, although maybe I'll just pass them on to Darlene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the last chapter I worked on, before setting aside the story for the "Christmas break." And when _The Conners_ returned, I just found myself less and less interested, particularly as fic-fodder. I don't like the disappearance of David, or Ben taking Darlene back without them really talking out her cheating, and most of all I don't like Darlene's increasingly crappy parenting combined with Ben's baby-fever, especially when their finances are so shaky. I will watch a Season Three if there is one, but for now, I'm very done with Darlene as a muse.


End file.
